Sassy at-home critic (and Rental Reviewer) Denise Purvis reviews HBO's vampire soap True Blood each week.
True Blood, recap 4.4: "I'm Alive and On Fire"
Two words for this week: Yum, yum. Eric and Alcide are shirtless and bickering. What can I say? I’m a sucker for hot, shirtless men. I seriously thought I was going to catch a glimpse of Alcide’s mini-wolf, but alas, no.
“Alcide, stop making that noise”
Oh man, this gang bang of Jason is really embarrassing. That whole, um, transaction between Jason and the young inbred girl, Becky, kind of grossed me out.
Jason: “I don’t know why you’re crying. I’m the one getting raped.”
Becky: “Uncle Felton says I’m old enough, and you’d better give me a cum.”
Thank God, that girl finally cut Jason loose and didn’t rape him. I can’t even imagine what he caught from those people.
I love Felton’s outburst once he realized that Jason got away.
Nan has a leather jacket with shoulder pads. Blah Bill, blah blah Witches. Hey, Bill, you’re not the freaking authority and while you’re at it, keep up with your sheriffs.
Marnie is having some tweaked-out flashback to the Inquisition. I am seriously confused by all of these flashbacks and fiery eye moments with Marnie. We get it. Marnie is like Whoopie Goldberg’s character in Ghost and the flashback witch is like Patrick Swayze … or something like that, except not sexy and I don’t foresee them making any pottery together. I recognized Marnie’s spirit witch as Adrian’s mother from Secret Life of the American Teenager, so I looked it up on IMDB and yes, I was correct.
Turns out that the Inquisition witch does have a name: Antonia.
(Stop judging me. Kristen Bauer aka “Pam” was also on Secret Life.)
Speaking of Marnie, she eventually channels Antonia and curses Pam - which leads to some nasty face-melting action.
Mama Mickens is back. I hope Tommy stays with her. Joe Lee is out of the picture! Yeah, right. Mama Mickens is such a liar.
Mama to Tommy: “Remember when everyone said you were stupid?”
Sam has the best job at picking them. Luna’s got a daughter. Why do these random children always invite strangers in? We’ve got a werewolf-shifter triangle on the horizon, I figure. Sam needs to keep it in his pants.
Crystal reappears again, and I find her disgusting. I hate her trashy ass.
So Jason, who has been laying there for days getting man-raped by a line of women whose teeth total 32, and could barely get away, manages to find a stick and fashion a spear out of it stabbing and killing werepanther Felton. (100% believable)
Crystal shows up. She looks at Jason and says, "Hey baby. I'm big mama kitty now." They’ve always made Jason seem really dumb until now. He looks at Crystal Meth and says, "We ain't nothing but disaster. You're the worst thing that's ever happened to me." I’ve been saying that for years now, Jason.
Portia Bellefleur. Hmmm. Andy wants a Red Bull (more like he wants V) and now Mona from Who’s the Boss is on the show as Portia’s grandmother, Caroline. Portia is Bill’s great-great-great-great granddaughter. Way to keep it gross, True Blood.
Bill is a liar and I am pretty sure that Sookie just called him out on it AND even better, she covered for Eric. Suck it, Bill. Move on. I’m not sure why he didn’t just force himself in the house — he could since Sookie doesn’t really own it. I’m guessing he just didn’t want to see Eric in there.
Jason looks super rough right now and he’s barfing road side after escaping gang-rape and murdering a werepanther. Jessica & Hoyt saved Jason from getting run over on the side of the road. She had to give him some blood to help him heal, but right now, that’s all I know.
Joe Lee is such an asshole. Mama Mickens has Stockholm Syndrome. He’s captured Tommy and I guess he’s going to use him for dogfighting. Way to recycle that storyline.
- Pam & Bill have a confrontation. Bill has slowly moved onto my shit list.
- Pam’s boobs need their own spin off.
- Why does Marnie get on my nerves so badly?
- Arlene’s baby is really evil and surprisingly smart. He really knows his way around a Sharpie. (Oh, Arlene, I don’t even think a Magic Eraser will get those marks off of your walls.) Unless it’s the ghost baby doll.
- I saw a little bit of Alcide pubes.
- Mama Fortenberry is so homely. She definitely has that MiMi from The Drew Carey Show thing going on.
- Sam, stay. Good boy.
- Deb’s classy now. She has glasses. I’m sure that she’s got some evil lurking beneath her seemingly docile surface. It’s just a matter of time before she stirs up trouble.
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