Thursday, February 9, 2012

Facebook statuses of a new vampire

Even the undead have a tendency to overshare online. When you're a vampire, you have a lot of time to kill and even immortality can get a bit boring after a while. Not content to simply pass the time turning into a bat or mist, gathering wealth, making sexy vampire brides (or hubbies) or toying with carnie workers in the "guess my age" game, vamps have taken to social media to talk about the mundane.

Internet Service has posted these 10 Facebook statuses of a new vampire. Supposedly all these happen before the newly-damned troll Robert Pattinson message boards.

  • Well that’s the last time I date anyone I meet online. Creepy, pasty-faced loser freaked out on me when I ordered the garlic shrimp. I told him to bite me. Funny, I don’t remember much after that.
  • Got tagged in a photo, but no one can see me in it. WTF? – One day your friends are posting comments about your Halloween pic, and the next …well, you’re just not there anymore.
  • A like, and a link, to my favorite cause: the American Red Cross Blood Drive. – Suddenly, you’re a fan of stocking up on that red stuff. You used to faint at the sight of a needle. Go figure.
  • Dentist appointment this morning for my monthly cleaning. I think I might need crowns … and sunglasses. Anyone know a good 24-hour dental clinic? Good news from my doctor. Blood pressure is excellent and iron levels are up. Yay me!
  • My ex gave me a gift membership to Express Tan for my birthday. What a d-bag. – Some people just have no sympathy for your delicate condition. Man, what a Christmas party last night. I must be getting old. Can’t handle that kind of drinking anymore. One Coors Light Silver Bullet, and it was lights out for me.
  • On the plus side, I guess I was rockin’ some serious beer muscles before I passed out. Friends tell me I tossed a sofa into the swimming pool – with four people sitting on it. RAWR!
  • Twilight marathon and sleepover at my place tonight at 8. BYOB, for all you AB negative types.
  • Switching to the graveyard shift. I figure I can be more productive that time of day, and really sink my teeth into my work.

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