Monday, August 19, 2013

'True Blood' recap: 'Radioactive'

BY DENISE PURVIS

This episode starts off with some “heartwarming” banter between Alcide and Sookie. Unfortunately, I don’t find it that heartwarming. Damn, Alcide’s hair is getting big. He almost resembles an '80s rock star. It’s a little embarrassing to watch Sookie throw herself at every man she knows this season. Oh, girl.

As Sookie and Alcide are wrapping up their little love fest, they notice all of the newly freed day-walking vampires approaching. They’re doing bad things, of course, but hell, I can’t blame them. When’s the last time some of those jokers have seen the sun? Alcide doesn't want Sookie to talk to them, but she’s confident that she can hold her own. There’s a lot of vamp titties in this episode. If that’s your thing, then you’re in luck.

Sookie finally finds Jason and meets Violet. Violet gives her a full open-mouthed kiss. Jason explains that Violet is “European.” She’s also a little crazy and creepy, but he seems happy to belong to her.

Warlow gets ready for his and Sookie’s nuptials by preparing the Maypole (?!?!) for their wedding. Since Sookie’s four-hour departure for Terry’s funeral, she’s had enough time to think about her marriage. Sookie, of course, seems to be stalling. She was just recently hitting up Sam for some love. Hey, dude, you’ve been waiting 5500 years, why not date first? Unfortunately, Warlow isn’t game for Sookie’s plans and does a little pre-domestic abuse. Nothing says “eff you” like a backhand to the face. Bitch, please.

Pam wants to go after Eric, and Tara’s pissed, but Pam leaves Tara to keep after Willa. Tara: “You guys are the worst fucking makers ever.” Who can disagree? Well, maybe, Jessica.

Speaking of Jess, she walks in on Bill sulking about his lack of super-skills since saving his vamp friends. Jessica urges Bill to go save Sookie from her fate with Warlow, but Bill (surprise!) is being a big ole vag. Apparently her speech worked because Bill fetches Jason to explain things and hatch a rescue plan. (Who engages Jason to hatch a plan?)

Bill sets Takahashi free with a big ole bag of money. Maybe he’s not such a douche after all, but he sends Jason on the journey of securing Adeline in order to save Sookie. Andy agrees to send his one remaining daughter to save Sookie. I’m sorry; I don’t believe that Andy, good guy and fan of Sookie or not, would send his only daughter to save Sookie. She gets herself into some serious shit.

Adeline is willing to help, but she is only two weeks old and doesn’t really know how to use her light to save Sookie, but she can communicate with Sookie in the other plane. Good thing Violet is a scary old 800-year-old vampire and seems to bring out that energy in Adeline. They save Sookie and bring her back to Gram’s old house, but Violet, Jason, Adeline, Andy or Bill seems to be any real match for Warlow.

Well that is until fairy grandpa come out of the abyss and holds Warlow back allowing Jason to stake him. Peace out bitch!

That comes to an unwelcome surprise to all of the surviving vampires that drank from Warlow’s blood — especially to Eric who was sunning nude in Sweden. He appears to have burnt up, but I don’t believe that.

Fast-forward six months.

Things we know from the future Bon Temps:

  • Bill is now an author. He told the tale of his stint as Billith. “And God Bled” spent 7 weeks at the top of the New York Times Best Seller List. Okay?
  • Alcide and Sookie are now together and he has chopped off that awful hair. His body is yummy even in those awful track pants.
  • Jason and Violet seem to be simpatico, but she still hasn’t let him stick his D in her P.
  • Everyone bustles into the church to encourage community togetherness and to get everyone tested for Hepatitis V.
  • Sam is now the mayor, and he encourages everyone to get into a monogamous feeding relationship with a vampire so that his or her safety can be assured. Don’t know a vampire? Don’t worry, they’ve arranged a social at Merlotte’s, err..wait, Merlotte’s doesn’t exist.
  • Arlene owns Merlotte’s now. It’s now Bellefleur’s Bar and Grill.
  • Nicole looks pretty ripe with baby.
  • Lettie Mae apologizes to Tara for being an all around shitty person for all of Tara’s life. She offers to let Tara feed on her. I bet that Lettie Mae tastes like old cigarettes and bad decisions.
  • Jessica offers protection for Andy and Adeline. Bill offers protection to Sookie, but when he calls Alcide “bright eyes,” I almost lost it.
  • Um. Zombie vampires?

I don’t really know what to think about the last scene. Why do they have to crap on every decent episode?!? I’m not sure if Hepatitis V is causing these roaming, killer vampires. I guess we’ll have to find out the answers about the zombie vampires and Eric’s fate next season. That’s all folks! See you Trubies in 2014! (@BlatantNerd)

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