An epic trial, smirking loan officers, a failed rescue, and a goat barbecue. It was nice to see so many old familiar faces in this episode wasn't it? From Yara and Theon (I mean, Reek), to Ramsay Snow, to (finally!) a hungry dragon...let's break these chains before Shae gets upset and rats us out to the recap police.
The Iron Bank of Nope
Stannis and Davos head, under giant legs, to Bravos ("A city of canals and most powerful of the Free Cities, hub for shipping and commerce.") to plead to the Iron Bank for a loan to help Stannis get to where is rightfully his, sitting on the Iron Throne. Davos presents Stannis to the tardy loan officers, namely smirking rep, Tycho Nestoris. He quickly shoots down Stannis' titles, indicating that Tommen is the king and Stannis is just the "jealous uncle" of whom Tywin tells tales. Davos tells them that Tommen is a bastard and Stannis' blood entitles him to the throne. They don't really seem to care. Denied!
Since they're in Bravos, Davos pays a visit to that pirate we met a couple of seasons ago, Salladhor Saan. He seems to know where to find him. Where? In "Sexy Time Booby Land Bath House" of course! He likes to regale the "ladies" with his pirate jokes and luckily we didn't have to hear more than one. Davos wants him to sail with them in the morning to help Stannis' cause. He offers some nice coin as incentive and hey, there's more of where that came from with your wife. The girls chuckle. Oh that Salladhor!
Bath Time Fun with Ramsay and Reek
Remember Yara? Theon's tough and vengeful sis? Well she's off to save her brother and reads to the sailors/soldiers the nasty letter Ramsay Snow sent to her and her dad along with a box containing Theon's "favorite toy." She's getting them all pumped up to attack ("They mutilated your prince!") and juxtaposed with this scene is Ramsay and his totes cray girlfriend having meaningful and tender sex. Yara and the gang come upon the Dreadfort and attack. They're lead to Theon's cell but Theon doesn't want to be rescued. A fight ensures and Ramsay shows up with bloody scratches all over him. Umm, was he fighting or did his gal do that?
Ramsay threatens Yara, her apparently giant balls, and her men with his big dogs. I don't know about you but in my head, the movie line, "Chopper, sic balls." popped up. Yara and her men finally give up on saving the highly resistant Theon/Reek and Yara deems her brother "dead." Back to daddy she goes.
As a reward for Reek's loyalty to Ramsay, he gets a reward. A bath. I'd imagine it's been a while since he's had one. He strips down and I also found myself saying, "Aww come on, let's see it!" but they didn't pan down. Admit it, you thought it too. Don't judge. Poor Reek is so shell-shocked, he flinches at everything. Especially when Ramsay goes to wash him. In exchange for a clean bod, he has to do something for Ramsay...help to take the castle back by pretending he's Theon Greyjoy. Now there's a stretch!
Justice and Goat is Served
Alone on a hill was a lonely goat herd...and his son...and a dragon! It was nice to see a dragon, wasn't it? Not if you're a goat. This poor goat herders herd became BBQ and now he has nothing left. So off to Queen Dany to show her the bones that were a result of the rude intrusion. She offers to pay the man back three times over even though she can't replace his goats. She's a damn fine and fair queen but it appears that she has very little control over her dragons.
Dany is ruling, just as she said but she looks tired. She is answering the multitudes of requests from the residents of Meereen including one from a son who's dad she crucified. He just wants to keep the tradition they have of burying the dead. Is that so much to ask? She argues about the children who were killed in the same heinous manner but she finally relents and allows Hizdahr zo Loraq to bury his dad. So hey, Jorah...how many more of these folks do I have to see? Just 212! She agrees to keep seeing them...because she is ruling.
Tyrion's trial has finally arrived but first, a High Council meeting is held to assess what's going on in the kingdoms. Thanks to Varys and his little birds, they get to dish the dirt. The Hound was spotted in the Riverlands causing mayhem. That "Targaryen girl" has 8000 unsullied and two knights by her side advising her. Oh and she has those dragons. Cersei poo-poos Dany's power and Tywin wants spies in Meereen because force may be needed to deal with blondie. Varys knows everything and he also reminds Prince Oberyn Horndog that because he's a eunuch and has no desires, he can focus his sights on more important things...he cryptically looks at the Iron Throne. Desire only brings damage.
Jaime heads to retrieve Tyrion for his trial. He needs to be put in chains due to the orders of Tywin. Tyrion is like "really?" They arrive in the throne room and Tommen turns the power over to Tywin, Mace Tyrell and Prince Oberyn. Tywin asks Tyrion straight off if he killed Joffrey. Nope and he's not too sure that Sansa did it so...next question. A series of witnesses take the stand and the words Tyrion used in anger towards Joffrey come back to haunt him. Grand Maester Pycelle even says that his poison pantry was raided when Tyrion had him thrown into a cell. Basically there's a ton of incriminating evidence against Tyrion and Jaime knows he'll be deemed guilty.
During their hour break, Jaime pleads with his father to give Tyrion mercy. Hell, Jaime killed his king too and he's still breathing. Tywin says Tyrion will surely be convicted but when he pleads for mercy, he will offer to send him to the Knight's Watch to serve and Jaime will retreat to Casterly Rock, get married and have legit babies. Deal. Jaime tells Tyrion of this deal after the break. But up next on This is Your Life in the Toilet...it's gasp...Shae the funny and scorned whore. Remember what Varys was saying about how desire messes things up? Well...
Shae throws Tyrion under the bus, as well as herself by admitting she was his whore. She says that he plotted with Sansa to kill Joffrey as revenge for Sansa's family. He looks so devastated, beaten down and hurt that he begs her to stop. He states that, "I wish to confess." and Jaime looks stunned. He turns to the crowd and reminds them of how he saved their sorry asses and that the only thing he's guilty of is being a dwarf. He had wished for Joffrey's death and does wish that he killed the monster. He wishes he were actually the monster they thought he was so this was justified but he's not and he won't give his life for Joffrey's murder.
Tyrion wants the gods to decide his fate and he states, "I demand a trial by combat!" A stare down with shocked dad and...scene. I'm pretty sure I didn't breathe through Tyrion's speech and loved his brilliance in taking down his father. Now let's just take this moment to laud the amazing acting of Peter Dinklage. I was completely blown away by this scene and can't wait until next week. Let us know what you were thinking and what you thought of this fantastic episode, especially the trial.
"Game of Thrones" returns next Sunday at 9 p.m. on HBO with "Mockingbird."
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