I thought perhaps the rumble in Kings Landing would take precedence in this episode but they saved the brief trial by combat for the very end and...it was crushing. Like the beetles young Orson Lannister liked to pulverize, the polyamorous Prince met a similar end. The gore was pretty high in this episode so grab a Band-Aid and some alcohol (preferably a glass of Dornish wine) and let's head out on this journey.
Molestown Gone Wildling
Nothing like a game of "Name That Tune" using burps to liven up a raunchy night in a brothel. The whores and their patrons are whooping it up but little do they know it's their last night on Earth. Gilly looks like she's really enjoying her time there thanks to her boyfriend, Sam. So much so that her baby gets threatened by Sylvia Syphilis. Thanks, Tarly!
The army of wildlings attack the village and slaughter its citizens. Ygritte kicks some major ass but when she spies Gilly and her noisy babe, she manages to grow back a little of her soul and spare her fellow wildling. When Sam and the brothers learn of the attack on Molestown, Sam feels extreme guilt but is comforted by his brothers when they remind him that she's a survivor. Cue that Destiny's Child song. Their biggest concern now is the shitty army ratio of 102 to 100k men.
Lots of bathing in the past few episodes... am I right? It's just nice to know they wash. I've imagined that none of these folks smell very good. Unsullied Grey Worm spies naked Missandei doing some laundry and can't stop staring. It's a little weird but she seems to like it as she stands up to give him the full view. This encounter leads to a classic girl talk session, complete with hair braiding. Dany wonders...when he was cut, did they take both the pillar and stones? We need a visual here.
Grey Worm later meets Missandei to apologize for his stares and tell her how much he enjoys their lessons. She asks him if he remembers when he was cut and then she apologizes that this happened to him. In one of the more strangely romantic scenes, Grey Worm tells her that if he were not cut, he would never have ended up meeting her. Missandei also tells him that she was glad he saw her naked. He was too. Sooooo...I'm thinking the pillar is still there. Fingers crossed! They're adorable together.
Oh Ramsay, You Flay Me!
Ramsay uses Theon/Reek to get access and acquire Moat Caillin...and it works! Theon gets past the guards by proclaiming he's their prince and promises the super plaugue-y men they will get to go home. Silly boys. Ramsay captures and flays the men and in this attempt to impress his father, Roose Bolton, he presents dad with his conquest. It seems to work because Roose gives his bastard son his last name. They all ride off and guess what? Ramsay wants to take a bath. Yep, more bathing.
Sassy Sansa the Seductress
Obviously Lord Baelish gets questioned about his wife's "tragic" death. Obviously the easy answer is that the crazy bitch killed herself. The council which includes a buddy of Ned Stark's, Lord Royce, doesn't believe that such a doting mother would leave her precious Robin. They call a witness, Petyr's "niece." Petyr thinks he'll be thrown under the bus but Sansa reveals her true self and covers for him. They leave convinced that jealous Lysa killed herself.
Petyr encourages the council to let potential king, Robin, leave the nest and learn how to use a sword, do some traveling, etc. But first, Petyr pays a visit to Sansa who is doing a little sewing. He wants to know why she spared him. She says that she helped him because he'd be killed and her fate would have been uncertain. He calls bullshit and she's all like, "I know what you want." Wink wink. Later, after Petyr encourages Robin to not be afraid and to venture out of his comfort zone, Sansa emerges like naughty "Sandy" from "Grease." Damn, girl! Methinks her flower has been plucked.
Outside the gates, The Hound and Arya finally arrive for the big reunion and ransom collection. Whoops, Aunt Lysa died three days ago. Arya just laughs her head off. I assume as an "eff you" to her captor but at this point, she's probably just sick of all of this crap. Will she meet up with Sansa? Lots of missed connections between the poor Starks, so probably not.
The Spy Who Loved Me
Ser Baristen learns from a parchment from Tywin that Jorah was once on the crown's payroll as a spy. He gives Jorah the heads up before he goes to Dany with the big reveal. Jorah approaches her and she is livid...or so we guess since her expression never changes. She questions him and brings up when she was about to be poisoned and how he sold her secrets, etc. He professes his love for her and instead of having him alive or dead in her presence, she banishes him back to Kings Landing. Talk about bad break-ups!
Crushed Like a Beetle
Before the trial by combat between revenge-seeking Prince Oberyn Martell and Cersei-appointed monster, The Mountain, Jaime offers Tyrion some wine. Tyrion then laments about how every death has a name attached to it except for killing your cousin. Tyrion then regales us with the tale of his moronic cousin, Orson the beetle crusher. Tyrion was obsessed with his penchant for smashing the bugs and even went on to research the pathology. Then, the bells toll. Never a good sign.
Tyrion is lead to the battle arena and sees that Oberyn is not wearing armor and he's drinking. Oberyn is one cocky dude and is confident that he'll succeed in killing the raper and murderer of his sister and her children. He enters the battle and damn it if I didn't hear Inigo Montoya come out of his mouth. "You raped and murdered my sister. Prepare to die!" He was kicking ass and doing some Matrix-y moves and for a second there, I thought he would win. Even Ellaria looked semi-confident.
Oberyn does manage to run his sword through the Mountain but he did not get his confession. This is what cost him the fight. The Mountain revives himself and actually does confess but not before crushing Oberyn's head...like a beetle. Cersei smiles...Tyrion's look screams, "Oh shit!" and Tywin Lannister sentences his son to death.
Next Sunday on HBO at 9 p.m. ET, tune in for "The Watchers on the Wall" for an epic battle. Here's a peek...