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| Courtesy Amazon |
The book of which I'm speaking is not a new release, however. The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III emerged from the depths in 2006. Mellick is an extremely prolific author who, according to the research I'm grateful for over at Jezbel, wrote some of the following titles: Razor Wire Pubic Hair; Baby Jesus Buttplug; I Knocked Up Satan's Daughter: A Demonic Romantic Comedy; Cuddly Holocaust; and, of course, Barbarian Beast Bitches of the Badlands. Okay but let's get back to the haunting.
Relationships are difficult for anyone but for Stacy and her haunted lady parts, it goes to a whole new level. Try falling in love with her! That's where Steve comes in (sorry, pun intended) and he gets more than he bargained for. Just check out the tag line for the book: "It's difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead..."
Now let's break down this plot, shall we? As a paranormal enthusiast and a woman, this premise intrigues and terrifies the hell out of me. I mean, some of us may consider our vaginas to be haunted by the ghosts of boyfriends past but come on! I must admit that when reading the following synopsis of the book, the popular phrase "I can't even!" popped into my head a few times. Are you ready? Here we go...
Steve is madly in love with his eccentric girlfriend, Stacy. Unfortunately, their sex life has been suffering as of late, because Steve is worried about the odd noises that have been coming from Stacy's pubic region. She says that her vagina is haunted. She doesn't think it's that big of a deal. Steve, on the other hand, completely disagrees.
When a living corpse climbs out of her during an awkward night of sex, Stacy learns that her vagina is actually a doorway to another world. She persuades Steve to climb inside of her to explore this strange new place. But once inside, Steve finds it difficult to return... especially once he meets an oddly attractive woman named Fig, who lives within the lonely haunted world between Stacy's legs.
So this dude goes inside his girlfriend's tunnel of love and meets another woman? Seriously, I can't even.
Touted by critics as "a touching love story" (touching?) with "some genuinely creepy moments" (ya think?), I worry that some may find this book misogynistic. It's all in good fun though, folks. It's supposed to be humorous (I hope) and maybe even a little empowering? If you're into this kind of thing and want to check a film that I feel is pretty empowering, watch "Teeth." Vaginas can be pretty intimidating whether they be haunted or lined with chompers. Folks...beware...you never know what's lurking down there. Love is hard (insert sad face emoji here).
-Larissa Mrykalo