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| Photo courtesy of recapguide.com |
You know what we need? A flashback to how it all began. Setrakian's grandmother tells a young Abraham the story of the Romanian nobleman, Jusef Sardu, a gentle giant beloved by his village but but by his father because his great size was a source of immense personal shame on the family. To cure the gigantism, he needed to consume a wolf heart so a-hunting we shall go. Except that the hunters became the hunted by the love child of Gollum and Voldemort, The Master. Sardu tried to fight the monster off with his wolf's head cane (!) but alas, he could not. The Master coveted Sardu's great size and after stinging him, stuffed Sardu's mouth with loam from his coffin and vomited blood worms to seal the deal. I guess putting a ring on it was too old-fashioned. Returning home, the changed Sardu preyed upon the village children, calling them from their beds for treats as he had before. One day, Abraham, you will face Sardu and you must defeat him. The moral of the story? Folk remedies are a bad idea and projecting expectations onto our children knows no boundaries.
Sulking over the inability of the sun to kill the Master, Setrakian goes for a walk below-ground in present-day Manhattan where he meets Dirty Harry Quinlan who has the deal of a lifetime for him. Above Fet's store, Eph and Fet work on securing the premises and hopefully Eph's hairpiece. Today, my place, tomorrow....the world! Or the end of the block. Good luck with that; let me know how it works out for you. But Setrakian isn't the only one wallowing in self-pity; the Master didn't die but he's definitely not having a good-skin day so the only thing left to do is prepare for revenge and succession and daycare. Psst. You're taking this too personally man; let it go. Also? Cocoa butter. Just saying.
You know who else has been recruited to the cause? Gus! So now let's go meet the rest of the happy family. Shhh. The chained gargoyles, er, Ancients, are sleeping so I, Quinlan, shall speak for them. They desire an alliance to rid the world of this pesky Seventh. Excellent, we're all on the same page. Now, um, how do we do that? Like Q's gonna let that secret out. But there's a book. Of course there's a book and it will reveal all but we're not going to tell you what it is or where to find it. This is certainly going to be a productive alliance; what do we get out of it? You get to live. Sold. Oh, and time to go; the Ancients are waking up and you wouldn't like them when they're hungry. Quinlan, man, are you really going to make them share on meal after blathering on about 'respect'? Not cool, bro. Not cool.
Scavenging the morgue for supplies, Eph suggests they set up shop there since it's not as high as Walmart on the '101 Great Places To Loot' list. Well, except for those pesky vamps that pop out of extradimensional doors. You know what? Fet's place looks good. We'll hang there. Not to be outdone in the angsty-tantrum department, a revitalized Palmer meets reluctantly with Eichhorst who is very much amused by Palmer's insistence that he's the Master's partner. This fascinating jockeying for position is interrupted by the arrival of Coco Marchand? Marshall? Armstrong? Eh, who cares. With a name like 'Coco', she's sure to be incredibly useful. And surprisingly is as she turns out to be a real broker extraordinaire who's also really good at flirting with megalomaniacal old guys. As long as it's not a baseball stadium that will compete against the Yankees and has a solid drainage system, the property will be perfect. Well that's not ominous at all. (Fans of the books know where this is going. Muahahahaha!)
Nora is trying to use her degree and epidemiology training to figure out how to stop this scourge and Eph contributes by shooting down every idea she has and drinking. Bless your heart Nora, we can all certainly see what you see in him. Nora's thinking, Eph is drinking and nary the twain shall meet. So you came up with nothing useful, big surprise. Meanwhile Dutch and Fet finish fortifications just as Setrakian, the sword-wielding Armenian samurai returns home neither dead nor a vampire. Just very very depressed. Yes, failing to kill evil personified will do that to a person. You know what we need? A quest! To the EZ Storage.
Randomly at a school for the blind, physics has been interrupted for this important, completely innocent, not-in-anyway-related to the chaos in the streets announcement. We'll be moving everyone whose parents we've been able to contact to a new school in New Jersey. Why you gotta hate on the blind kids; aren't they dealing with enough?! And for the record, physics was hard enough learning sighted; I don't want to envision learning it blind. (See what I did there?) You know what we've been lacking? Angsty, emo tweens. Oh look, it's New Zack having an epic temper tantrum over Kelly being a vampire and Eph daring to try to kill her. Well if you're a doctor Dad, then cure her. I think you need to pay closer attention in physics, Zack. Feeling sorry for himself, Eph goes to play thesaurus with Dutch. And to drink. Because drink. You think you have problems now Eph, a school bus full of blind children just arrived at Casa de Eichhorst for their next great adventure.
Wait, Eph had a Grey Goose breakthrough - they can't make a cure or a vaccine but they might be able to infect the already infected carriers and break the chain. I, uh, okay. Still doesn't help Kelly which will not sit well with New Zack. Setrakian decided that Nora, Eph and Eph's Hairpiece of Shame might be useful after all. For the roadtrip to EZ Storage but still, action! Across town, Palmer announces an open line of credit he's just extended to the city to help them during this trying time. The only thing that could sweeten the day? Getting the property he wanted at the price he offered. Oh look, Coco came through. To celebrate Palmer offers her a jog working with him and she actually seems intrigued and the rest of us watching sick to our stomachs. It...it was just a real estate deal dude.
When you're mad at your dad, what are you gonna do? Bond over warm soda with the mad hacker and bitch about it of course. Someone really needs to slap some sense into this kid. It's not like they're holding anything back from him after all. Speaking of keeping the vamps out, Kelly has been chosen by the master for a special role in which she'll be able to have her own voice! This is certainly propitious. We know she's special because he has glowing red eyes and asks for Zack. Hon, after the way he's been acting, you can have him. Over at the EZ storage, it takes multiple tries to find the right unit as Setrakian doesn't believe in writing mundane stuff like that down and as such discover a couple hiding in their unit and in another a bunch of mannequins. Hey, keep them locked up; Doctor Who showed us how dangerous they can be. Anyway, Fet, you carry the explosives, I'll get the notebooks and will you please stop playing 'hide the light?' Oh dear, I think we're not alone now; might be a good time to run. Come, nameless couple, run with us to sort of safety being chased by a horde of vampires who have apparently decided that running like chimpanzees is the fastest way to go. Alas, so long un-named older couple. Thank you for being the sacrificial pink meats as everyone escaping unharmed would just be too unbelievable. I notice that no one actually killed the poor infected people though. Sloppy work if true my friends, sloppy work.
You have great work to do for the Master, Kelly. Perhaps you don't have Zack right now but what if I told you that you could have a whole new family to care for? Arise, children of the night, with your unique abilities of extrasensory perception. Come to me and my ratty wig my babies, together we shall make Eph rue the day he plopped that roadkill on his head!
So what did you think of the season premiere between the commercials? Will New Zack ever not be annoying? Will Fet ever not be a god among men? And can we get rid of Dutch already? Oh, that was in the previews. Thanks, Eichhorst. Next round of B-positive is on me. Tune in to FX next Sunday night at 10 p.m. EST for 'By Any Means.'