'True Blood' recap: 'Fresh Blood'

At-home critic (and Rental Reviewer) Denise Purvis reviews HBO's vampire soap True Blood each week.

True Blood, S3, ep. 11: 'Fresh Blood'

“Fresh Blood” opens up at Fangtasia where Bill comes in to confront Eric, but encounters a surly Pam instead. Pam says to Bill, “This isn’t just about your relationship, you infatuated tween.”

I laughed for a good 45 seconds about that and I’ll tell you why in a bit. Then Pam pulls some Colloidal silver out of her pocket and sprays Bill in the face with that. Yikes. Bill doesn’t look so good.  Amidst the rumble between Bill and Pam…

In an interesting turn of events, Yvetta comes down to the sex-slave/torture dungeon to save Sookie! 
This whole exchange also made me cackle:

Sookie: I thought you were on Eric’s team.
Yvetta: Him? Big blonde stupid. I hate.
Sookie: Me too. He’s a two-faced snakey son of a bitch.

Sookie, now free, takes a sex/torture chain and goes upstairs and attacks Pam. PAM!  So, Sookie saves Bill. Yvetta not only saves Sookie, but she holds Pam down for her.  Pam screams to Sookie, “Don’t leave me alone with this idiot immigrant!” To which Yvetta responds, “Idiot? In Tallinn I am a cardiologist.” Snap!

Here’s your first snooze alert. I’ve been saying it for at least five episodes now, but Jesus and Lafayette really bore me. Good thing they keep those scenes short. La-La has a V flashback and sees Jesus with a monster face. Or was that a premonition?

Crystal Meth fesses up to Jason and tells him about being a were-panther. She’s some ugly ass panther if I’ve ever seen one. Jason says that he thought he could deal with her “problems” when he thought it was “shoplifting or something.” Instead Daddy McMeth wants her to marry her half brother and breed. Cringe.

Jason bails “to find Sookie.” Instead of looking for Sookie, he goes out and spies on Kitch. Does anyone else think his obsession with Kitch is weird? Well, it turns out that ol’ Kitch is doing V and that’s how he’s planning on breaking Jason’s record. I think it’s time for Jason to move on.

Jessica and Hoyt are writhing and making out when she finally confesses to killing a trucker and having an insatiable taste for human blood. You know it is love when Hoyt offers his blood to satiate her. Awww, how sweet … I can’t even get a guy to send me flowers.

And then a Russell and Eric face-off. Russell is still carrying around Talbot’s guts.  Eric finally tells Russell that he knows that he killed his family.  Eric tells Russell, “Apparently you wanted my father’s crown for your vast collection of meaningless shit.” To which Russell responds, “My my. To lose the one man I ever loved because you miss your mommy and daddy? Well that is a kick in the pants.”

I’ll say, Russell. The dude’s been carrying around that grudge for 1000 years. Eric offers Russell the sun (aka Sookie).

Is it just me or does no one else give a crap about Arlene and Holly? And is Arlene’s hair getting redder? Sam is being crazy/drunk AS HELL and being mean to Terry. Now that pisses me off. I love Terry. He kicks Tommy out and fires his ungrateful ass. Ohhh, Tommy says Sam is Joe Lee in Sam’s clothing. What an insult. Arlene and Holly walk out of Merlotte’s leaving Sam to wait the tables and insult everyone without them.  Don’t worry, Sam, they’re only borrowing the salt to do a weird abortion ceremony in the woods.

Summer? Where did she come from? I thought for sure she was gone, but she shows up at Maxine’s (Hoyt’s mom) house to boo-hoo about Hoyt (whom she calls Bear… eww) and spills the beans about how she tried to do everything including offering her virginity and showing him her nice underwear, but all he wants is Jessica. Maybe she should grow about 10 inches and stop shopping for dolls, but that’s just a suggestion.

And Maxine’s compliment is that she’s as cute as pigs. Well, that might be your answer why he likes Jessica better. Just sayin’, Summer.

(Sigh) whiny Tara. She’s always good for showing up and making a glaze come over my eyes.  She confronts Andy about Jason killing Eggs and Andy allowing him to cover it up.  Sam gets (more) wasted and ends up kicking everyone out of Merlotte’s , but Tara stays and ends up shooting tequila all night with Sam and ends up having nasty hate sex.

Jason doesn’t want to break up with Crystal and she’s still going on and on about Jason and her going and stopping the raid against Crystal’s methed up were-panther family.  I cannot believe it, but Jason knows about Waco.

Pam was right, Bill is a tween going on and on about his and Sookie’s dreams. He would be a teacher? Ha, watch out little kiddies. Bill and Sookie’s dreams make me yawn, so good thing Russell and Eric show up to stop her little yellow car. Eric ends up telling Russell that Sookie is a fairy. Bill and Eric have a side conversation, which makes me think that they are teaming up, but for what?

Whatever they’re up to, it’s upsetting Pam. Eric tells Pam, “You know I love you more when you’re cold and heartless.”  Russell still can’t believe that there are still fairies, but hey, he’ll take your word for it Eric. So, they chomp down on Sookie and Eric goes outside. 

He’s not burning … for a bit, but that little fairy blood sucking trick only lasts for so long. They finally convince Russell to go outside and Eric handcuff’s himself to Russell.  He looks at Russell and says, “Be brave. We’ll die together.” Somehow I doubt that.

Smaller bites:
  • Lafayette is still tripping out and his dolls start talking. The one sort of looks like the little gingerbread man from Shrek, no?
  • Why is Jason so freaking obsessed with his football record? He’s definitely having an Al Bundy moment.
  • While Sam and Tara are hate effing, Tommy is trying to get into the safe. What was that little thing beside Sam’s bed? Was it supposed to alert him if the safe was opened? It kind of looked like a detonator, but I’m thinking of 24 not True Blood.
  • Arlene has the body of a tired teenager.
  • Okay, Arlene’s quasi-abortion ceremony evidently did not work. She was having a flashback (I think she was supposed to be younger, at least, where she was fishing and talking to her mom, but she wakes up because Terry finds her all bloody. Don’t worry, Arlene, the doctor says you have a strong little critter in there. Terry is happy that their (her) serial killer baby is still alive.
  • Sam being an asshole is so funny. I’m a little worried about Merlotte’s business, though. Sam tells a customer, “Jesus Christ you’re ugly!” Hilarious!