'True Blood' recap: 'I Smell a Rat'

At-home critic (and Rental Reviewer) Denise Purvis reviews HBO's vampire soap True Blood each week.

True Blood, S3, ep. 10: 'I Smell a Rat'

Disclaimer: I have to admit that on this episode I was a little preoccupied with some other things & perhaps a little tipsy off of some old refrigerator wine, so this may not be the most insightful of my reviews. That having been said…

“I Smell a Rat” opens up with Sookie flabbergasted she’s a fairy. Is there anyone in Bon Temps that isn’t some sort of supernatural being?

So, Sookie is a fairy. I gathered that after the whole Claudine lesbian frolic pond scene two episodes ago. Well, Claudine is a little afraid for Sookie because it is believed the fae were wiped out by vampires. At least they’re not completely extinct. They have those weird dream fairies, Sookie, the bell boy from Season 2 and Hadley’s son, at least.

It seems good dog Sam has got some skeletons in the closet. Back in 2003, he got swindled by some ho’ and her man, which caused him to shoot and kill both of them. No love lost, I guess. Is Sam switching into badass mode because he’s chugging Jack and pouring it over his wounds? Give in to the Dark Side, Sam.

Fairy blood is delectable and intoxicating to vampires. I’ll say! Bill nearly bled the chick dry in the back of Alcide’s work truck. Speaking of Alcide, no were-play in this episode? That makes me sad. I enjoy the werewolves and accompanying were-skanks. There are only two episodes left, so I am sure there’s going to be some sort of an appearance or resolution to the Alcide-Debbie (Whitesnake)-Sookie problem.

Back to Bill, Sookie wonders if Bill is only in love with her because of her tasty blood. It is true Bill started out tracking her as an assignment from Sophie Anne (who was blissfully absent in this episode), so Sookie has a point. Then Bill proceeds to pour his heart out (gag) and tells Sookie, “It is not your blood I love. It’s you. Your mind. Your heart. Your soul. And I will foreswear ever feedin’ on you again if that’s what it takes to convince you of that. You have brought light back into my life. And hope. And gratitude. That is why I love you.”

I think she should take him up on that offer.

Eric makes a will and leaves everything to Pam. Yvetta is not happy about this and he calls her a gold-digging whore. You can only call them like you see them. Besides, did she really think she was getting a cut when the only thing he promised her was a job and good sex?

Lafayette ends up giving Crystal Meth’s dad some V to save his life. I guess he did to get his boss man Sam out of a murder charge. That’s the only reason I can think that he saved skanky Pops. After he was healed, the daddy throws some gay and vampires slurs about his blood being impure now, to which Lafayette astutely calls him "a whole new dimension of trash.”

Whatever. We know they’re trashy, but Crystal Meth ends up running after her dad anyway. He tells her she is promised to Felton and that she needs to just suck it up and breed with him and to forget about Jason because he wouldn’t like her if he knew what she is. Like he’d care since Bon Temps is full of some freaky crap. (By the way, I can’t stop thinking about five legged panthers or whatever problems inbreeding causes in shifters.)

Blah, blah Skanky Dad, I don’t love Felton. I guess she loves Jason, but she sure has a weird way of showing it.

In a TV appearance, Nan says Russell is an extremist and doesn’t represent all vampires and that what he did on television was “the heinous act of a madman.” Russell is a little crazy. After all, he is still carrying around Talbot’s goo and imagines a male prostitute is his dead husband.

We have another Bill-Eric encounter. Eric knows what Sookie is - at this point who doesn’t? Bill utters his (only) famous one-liner. Sookie is mine. Aww, thanks Bill for reminding us. And Eric tells Bill Russell will return for Sookie and Bill calls Eric Russell’s butt boy. I can’st picture Bill using the word but(t) not as a conjunction. Eric hints to Sookie he’s planning on croaking out soon. It was nice knowing you for the last 1000 years, Eric. Thanks for putting the vampire cause back that whole time.

Arlene gets all pissy(what’s new?) about vampires while they’re cleaning up the mess from crazed Sam pummeling Meth’s dad. Yes, I just shortened her name to Meth for now. Jessica is pretty much fed up with Arlene, as would any self respecting vampire and gives her the business!

“Okay, we get it. You don’t like vampires. Well I don’t like narrow-minded skinny b-tches with bad dye jobs. But at least I got the courtesy to keep my mouth shut about it. Most of the time."

Arlene’s hair is a freakish shade of red.

Cue Tommy’s grodo response: “Are you kidding? You gave me a total wood.” Gag. Tommy is a total bastard. Good thing we have Hoyt to save the day and kick his ass. Long story short, he and Jessica love each other and she heals his injury with her blood after doggy Tommy attacks him.

I guess since Jesus saw the fabulous effects of V, he’s decided he wants to trip balls with Lafayette. Cue trippy "Fear and Loathing" scene here. I felt like it went on for an eternity. Long story short, there’s a goat and apparently Jesus and Lafayette have magic in their family.

It is Bon Temps, right? Isn’t everyone some sort of magical person?

I know you’re thinking, “What’s going on with Tara?” I have purposely saved this for near the end. This whole whiny, shaky, trembling Tara has got on my last damn nerve. I don’t know if it was the wine or what, but I was like puh-lease, enough’s enough with this. Blah blah blah, Tara thinks all vampires are monsters and Sookie tries to convince her that they’re not all freak rapists like Franklin … err, like Franklin, Russell, Lorena. OK, so that list could go on for longer than I want to address. But eventually Jason comes clean about killing Eggs to both Sookie and Tara. After Jason sucks face with Tara, he fesses up. Cue Tara running out. Adios Tara. Don’t jump off a bridge or anything.

So back to Sookie and Eric. I always like to end it with a bang. Hahaha, too bad they didn’t bang. Earlier in the episode, before Jason’s shocking confessional to Tara (why is Jason such a dumbass?), Sookie was having a sexy-time dream about Eric. Fast forward to her barging in Fangtasia with a Bon Temps football shirt on and looking a bit haggard. Yo Eric, what’s up with all this talk about dying? Wait, let’s make out.

She didn’t seem too resistant to me. I wish they would just have sex. Anyway, Pam tries to convince Eric to trade Sookie to Russell to save his own hide. I couldn’t figure out if Eric took Sookie prisoner to help her or to use her for leverage. Ponder that.

Smaller bites:
  • Russell is a heinous mad man. His hooker lover boy does look a bit like Talbot, but maybe better. He ends up killing hooker boy (and stiffing him—badoomsha!---$500 bucks) to reconnect with Talbot one last time.
  • Summer is a total slut and tries to whip her boobs out on Hoyt. He’s a nice boy! Oh no she didn’t call him Bear! Who cares, right? It seems Hoyt and Jessica are right on track for getting back together.
  • I failed to mention this earlier, there were some clothes with Franklin’s guts. What about everyone else’s clothes? I didn’t see Lorena’s high-collared shirt when she got the stake.
  • Steve Newlin’s anti-vampire ass shows up again. Well, he didn’t want to say I told you so, but he told you so.
  • Holly’s a witch and an all-around busybody. She tries to force some Black Cohosh on Sam. He asks, “You got anything that works for nosiness and bad boundaries?” Good one, Sam.
  • Arlene comes clean to Terry, who offers to raise the baby anyway. Isn’t Terry a gem? Well, she’s not satisfied with that answer so she asks witch waitress Holly for some alternate solutions.
  • Anti-Vamp behavior with cross burning in Jessica’s yard.
  • Two Left!