'Game of Thrones' recap: 'Second Sons'

Wedding Day jitters?

Only two episodes left in this season of Game of Thrones and things continue to ramp up after last week. My heart was actually racing at the end of this episode. A drunken wedding, a budding new romance complete with heads in a bag instead of flowers, naughty blood-letting and a shattered zombie made this one of the best episodes of the season.

Arya Needs a Manicure
Arya is on the road as The Hound’s hostage. She wakes and plans on smashing in his giant skull with a rock. He surprises her with a challenge, "I'll give you one try, girl. Kill me and you're free. But if I live, I'll break both your hands."

Based on their horseback ride, she refrained from the skull smash. He reminds her to be grateful that she’s not all alone out in these woods and that she could do much worse than him as her companion. For example, his brother, The Mountain. He’s awful.

The Hound is actually taking her to her brother and mother just in time for her Uncle Edmure’s wedding to the Frey girl. He hopes to get a reward for her return. Let’s hope she gets her nails done for the wedding.

Two Heads in a Duffle Bag
Daenerys wants more men on her side so when she learns about the Second Sons, who are a Yunkai-contracted group of horny warriors, she wants them for her own. She meets with the top three “Captains” and the top dude is a real pig. Even I blushed at some of the things he stated and asked! His name is Titan’s Bastard so that explains a lot. Where are her dragons to set this guy straight?

Dany wants the men to fight for her and promises more pay and no contracts. She offers them a barrel of wine to help them think it over. Oh, and then there’s the hunky Daario. He’s a lieutenant in the Second Sons and he seems to take a liking to Dany.

Back in Yunkai, the top three “Sons” are hanging out with a whore who has to endure way too much grabbing and cock talk. Titan’s Bastard decides the girl should blindly pick one of them to sneak in and assassinate Dany. Daario wins and will do the deed...or will he?

While Dany is getting bathed by Missandei and discussing all the languages she is capable of speaking, Missandei gets held at knife point. It’s Daario and what does he want? “I want you.” Oh my. He produces the heads of his two cohorts and tells her that even though he was sent to kill her, he doesn’t want to. She seductively emerges from her bath and walks toward him. “Will you fight for me?’ Daario swears to her that the Second Sons are hers ..."My sword is yours, my life is yours, my heart is yours." Is that ALL, Daario? Please say there’s one more thing she could have!

50 Shades of Red
Melisandre the Cougar brings Gendry the Bastard to Dragonstone to meet Stannis and perform her blood magic. Stannis inspects Gendry and reminds him that his mother was a whore who just happened to lay with the king. Not the nicest welcome wagon but hey...

Gendry gets a kick ass chamber to hang in while Stannis goes to consult Davos in his dungeon. Davos is really doing well with his reading! We’re proud. Stannis offers Davos his condolences on the loss of his son then let’s him know Melisandre has returned with Robert’s bastard because there is power in king’s blood. Davos reminds Stannis that she’ll kill him.

Stannis is clearly struggling with the fact that Gendry will be murdered for his sake but comforts himself with, “What’s one bastard boy against a kingdom?” He then lets Davos know he’s there to free him but Davos has to promise not to raise another hand to Melisandre. It won’t be easy! She’s awful.

Stannis then reveals what he saw in those flames last season ...”I saw a vision of a great battle in the snow.”

The truth was in front of him and he can’t deny her god is real.

Later, Melisandre enters Gendry’s chamber carrying a small box. Oh Lord of Light ...what’s in that box?!

She soothes him with some amazing wine and assures him that there are no mistakes. The Lord of Light willed his parent’s union and she proceeds to undress herself. Oh here we go. We’re getting as uncomfortable as Gendry. In the medieval version of "Take me to pound town," we get, “Come fight death with me.”

Whilst engaging in the sex, Melisandre ties Gendry’s hands and feet and retrieves that box she brought with her. It’s not a knife. It’s leeches and she places them on him, including the currently most blood-engorged part of his young body. “Not there!”

In walks Davos and Stannis and wow that’s awkward! Mel removes the swollen leeches and she and Stannis have a little BBQ sesh. With each leech thrown on the flame, Stannis calls out the names of his three throne rivals; Robb Stark, Balon Greyjoy, and Joffrey Baratheon. Is this all it took? Is Gendry safe now? That was too easy.

Best. Wedding. Ever!
The exchanges during this wedding scene, from start to finish, were perfection. Tyrion’s attempts to comfort his young bride Sansa with kindness and humor just made us love him even more. “I promise you, I’ll never hurt you.” Now, drink lots of wine!

Margaery’s attempts at encouraging a friendship with Cersei didn’t go very well.

“We’ll be sisters! We should be friends.” Instead of just telling her to f**k off, Cersei reminds Margaery of the morbid story behind the Lannister song, “The Rains of Castamere.” It was a stern warning of how her father destroyed the second wealthiest family, House Reyne. Now the Tyrells are the second wealthiest family, so watch it cleavage girl! Oh and by the way, “If you ever call me sister again, I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.”

It’s wedding time! As if Sansa isn’t having a terrible day already, happy King Joffrey jumps up next to her and let’s her know he’ll take the place of her dead father by walking her to Tyrion. The lack of processional music was weird and sad.

Joffrey displays even more of his jerktastic behavior when, at the altar, he takes the step stool away from Tyrion. The officiant commands Tyrion to cloak the bride and bring her under his protection but he cannot reach. He asks Sansa to squat so he could finish. It was actually sad to watch. Tyrion really puts up with a lot of crap so we’re happy when he gets his drink on at the reception.

We’ve all attended a wedding where there are awkward moments but dear gods does this one take the ... cake. Tyrion gets wasted and Tywin reprimands his behavior because he won’t be able to consummate the marriage. Tyrion isn’t worried ... "I’m the god of tits and wine!" Loras attempts to connect with his betrothed, Cersei but she just verbally bitch slaps him and walks away. Then there’s Joffrey.

In an epic exchange, Joffrey wants Sansa stripped naked for a bedding ceremony and even promises to rape her after Tyrion falls asleep. Tyrion flips out and threatens the king with a knife in the table, “Then you’ll be f***ing your own bride with a wooden cock!” Joffrey looks like he just crapped his pants but thankfully, Tywin diffuses things quickly. Off to the boudoir!

The wedding night scene was oddly both sweet and uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because we know that Sansa is only 14 and even though that’s standard for those times, it’s obviously not for our time. As she drinks the wine starts to undress, we cringe, but when Tyrion tells her to stop and that he “can’t” and “won’t” our love for him grows even more. “I won’t share your bed ... not until you want me to.” She’s never going to want you to. He passes out.

When Shae busts in the next morning with breakfast, she learns that the marriage wasn’t consummated thanks to a clean set of sheets. She smiles. Tyrion smiles. Everything will be okay, right? Gods no! This is Game of Thrones!

Come on Baby, Light My Fire
Sam Tarly and his new little family come upon a cabin in the woods. When has coming upon a cabin in the woods ever been a pleasant experience? Name one ... I’ll wait. You can’t. This is no exception. Ravens start to flock on the creepy-faced heart tree http://gameofthrones.wikia.com/wiki/Heart_tree while Sam gives Gilly a name lesson and she lights a fire to keep them warm for the night.

The increasingly cacophonous ravens alert trouble and Sam goes to investigate. We spy in the woods that same white walker that appeared in the Season Two finale. He knocks Sam on his ass and charges for the nameless baby. Remember that piece of dragonglass that Sam tried to impress Gilly with a couple of episodes ago? It makes another appearance and manages to “kill” the walker and turn him into a pile of shattered ice. Sam and Gilly dramatically run while the flock of ravens follow. It almost could have been the last episode but we’re lucky enough to get two more.

We get a holiday break next Sunday but Game of Thrones returns at 9 p.m. ET on June 2 with “The Rains of Castamere.”