'True Blood' recap: 'Don't You Feel Me?'

Photo Courtesy true-blood.net

La-La, whist channeling Sookie’s father, tries to baptize/murder Sookie. Sookie is pissed, but I guess that is understood when you find out that your parents wanted to kill you, and your dad is willing to take you out from beyond the grave. Don’t worry, Sook, someone ALWAYS saves you. This incident is no exception. Hark, it’s not Bill that comes to her rescue. It’s Warlow!

Warlow’s got the knock knocks. It could be some bad chicken. Nope. It’s just the doom that is Bill. The safest place for Sookie and Warlow is inside of the warm glow of an Olan Mill’s photo, otherwise known as Fairlyland. Warlow gets Sookie to tie him up while he’s in there, so he doesn’t do her any harm. He demands that Sookie seal his bindings with her “light.”

If you’re wondering Warlow’s birth year, it’s 3532 B.C., and he’s been waiting for Sookie that whole time. Warlow makes this whole marriage contract sound unappealing. Just Sookie and Warlow—FOREVER.

Let’s move onto janky Camp Truman. They have Pam and Eric set up cage style complete with stakes. They should know that there’s nothing predictable about Pam or Eric. They don’t fight each other but do end up killing some guards.

The Governor still has that huge grudge against Eric for turning Willa into a vampire, so he injects Nora with something the doctor’s dubbed Hepatitis V.

Andy is finally forced to name his remaining fairy child, and by child, I mean grown ass woman. He ends up naming her Adelyn, but Adelyn mourns for her sisters. Andy ends up giving her four names instead—Adelyn-Braylen-Charlene-Danica. I am almost certain that I misspelled three out of four of those names.

Terry attempts to give La-La his safety deposit key prior to his impending demise. Arlene worries that Terry is going to kill himself because of the grief he is carrying from the war. Holly hatches the genius plan to invite a four-times removed vampire acquaintance over to glamour Terry into forgetting about the war. That seems like a solid plan. The memorable highlights of Terry’s glamoured life: he’s a father, stepfather, husband, and cook. I wonder how that’s going to pan out when Justin comes to blow his brains out.

I didn’t have to wonder too long because just after Terry is blissfully unaware of all of the crap in his life, he gets shot behind Merlotte’s. Arlene is going to be a hot mess for a long time.

Sam finally turns Emma over to her skanky grandma on the condition that she doesn’t take Emma back to the pack. Frankly I had grown tired of this back and forth with Emma. Bye, Emma. Go on now.

Alcide sneaks up on Sam at the gas station where he relinquished Emma. He hates Nicole—shocker, and his dad looms in the shadows. Daddy’s got your back, Alcide. Alcide lets Sam know that he better not show his face anywhere in the pack range or he’s dead meat.

Willa is defiant and wants to be put with the general population. She tells her dad that she wants to be treated like the rest of her kind and mingle with her BFF Tara. He has plans to try to turn her back into a human.

Bill makes Takahashi put him in a coma so he can connect with Lilith again. Bill whines at her. Wahhhh, wahhhhh, I didn’t choose this. Wahhh, wahhhh, Lillith, this all your fault. She disappears, but not before showing the disturbing imagery of the vampires burning alive.

Bill wakes up from his Lillith coma and chugs the rest of Warlow’s blood. He locks Takahashi in a cell and bolts out into the sunset. I liked Bill so much more two seasons ago.

Sarah is a vindictive little tart, so she makes Jason watch Jessica bang another vampire in one of Camp Truman’s “copulation studies.” Jason doesn’t know the definition of copulation until Sarah spells it out for him plainly. Jessica doesn’t end up doing the deed in front of Jason, not that she knows that Jason is behind the glass.

Bill saunters up to the Governor in the daylight and makes his guards shoot each other. Then he calmly proceeds to rip his head off. You heard me right, he’s dead.

Eric successfully summons Willa since she’s hanging out with Tara playing Connect 4, and together they get Nora from the clutches of the guards. As it turns out, the newly manufactured batch of TruBlood is infected with Hepatitis V.

Sookie opens up to Warlow and tells him that everyone thinks she’s a danger whore. She’s something, all right. She lets Warlow feed on her because despite loving danger, she’s also incredibly weird. As Warlow is tied to the tree she shags the light out of him. I’m not entirely sure what’s happening. I guess we’ll have to find out next week!

Smaller Bites:
-Jay-Bay ends up joining the LAVTF to get back at Sarah and rescue Jessica.
-I can never remember the acronym for LAVTF. Kids, it’s Louisana Vampire Task Force.
-Holly’s hair is awful.
-Martha seems to get her act together for Emma. She doesn’t even let her eat Funnyuns.
-Nicole is annoying.
-I wonder if Eric is going to be able to stop the circulation of the infected True Blood before everyone gets infected with Hepatitis V.

Tune your channel to HBO next Sunday at 9 p.m. ET for "In the Evening."