'True Blood' recap: 'F*** The Pain Away'

Courtesy HBO

This week we were treated to a very revealing True Blood episode that included some interesting flashbacks, the worst camp ever, a strange request to ask an old war buddy, and a very persuasive and creepy therapist (Pruitt Taylor Vince from the “Unruhe” episode of The X-Files...he was in other stuff too but I really loved that show). So grab some protection and let’s get rid of this pain.

Worst. Parents. Ever?
The episode picked up where it left off with Sookie asking Ben/Warlow (I’ll call him Warlow from here) to get off of her or else he’ll get light-balled. He pleads with her that she is his intended, it’s their destiny to be together and he loves her. Okay, sexy beast, then why did you kill Michelle and Corbett Stackhouse? Warlow was trying to save Sookie from her parents.

Sookie’s parents learned from Warlow that when she came of age, she would belong to him and he would turn her. She’d even become a princess! Daddy wasn’t having it and intended to kill her to save her. Sookie doesn’t believe him and lights him up. This affects Bill and he rushes to save his progeny? What? Oh yeah ... Lilith made Warlow.

Bill shows up and announces that he came to her house for Warlow because he is his maker. We learn from a flashback to 3500 B.C. how Lilith turned him because God told her to. Apparently penetration without foreplay was part of the transformation? But hey, he is destined to save vampire kind so he should at least get a quickie.

Bill informs Warlow that he was made to be their salvation. Bill is holding him prisoner and taking his blood for Takahashi to use to synthesize but he gets a hold of Takahashi and threatens to kill him. This would cause the downfall of vampires though so hey Warlow, please don’t.

Sookie uses Lafayette to channel her parents but gets more than she bargained for. She does learn that her father did indeed plan to kill her to save her from eternal vampnation but that he did and still does love her. When he enters Lafayette, he still has those same plans. Sookie is thrown into the trunk of his car and taken to a pond to be Baptized? No?

Uh oh ... Sookie’s in trouble again!

And Then There Was One
Andy makes his way to Bill’s house and discovers that his daughters were murdered by, he suspects, Bill. One shows signs of life and with the help of some illegal “V,” Andy brings her back to life. Will he at least give this one a name?

She reveals that Jessica was the killer but Bill took their blood and Andy wants to well, Kill Bill. Holly is there for Andy and urges him not to go after the very strong Bill. He’ll surely be killed and his daughter will be fatherless. Andy hates doing nothing though.

Goin’ on a Terry Hunt
So Terry is still messed up over killing his war frenemy Patrick and has been trying to kill himself. Since he’s not succeeding, he enlists the help of an old pal, Justin, who apparently is aces at shooting a gun. He offers to pay Justin to kill him. What? After very little pondering of the request, Justin agrees and hell, he’ll do it for free!

What a swell guy. Terry wants a couple of days to prep for his demise and, shhh, he wants it to be a surprise. Arlene is gonna be super pissed.

Sarah. Just...UGH!
Okay, this crazy chick made me laugh so hard, she’s getting her own little section here. First, she urges her Governor boyfriend, Truman, to send his newly dead vamp daughter to their heinous vampire camp and just write her off. To make things better, they could just have another baby! Truman is appalled and refuses. How dare he! “When a woman comes to you in black lingerie...you UNWRAP HER!” 

Feeling dejected and horny, Sarah then pays a visit to Jason. She begs him for forgiveness that she gave up on him, they have a connection, and God this and that and blah, blah, blah...let’s f***! And they do...hard. Is the pain gone? Probably not. It looked like it required an ice pack chaser.

A frantic knock on the door by Jessica alerts Sarah that Jason has been fraternizing with that filthy “demon whore.” But they loved each other! While listening, Sarah had called the LAVTF and has Jessica hauled off to camp where Eric, Tara and Pam now reside. She is certainly upset with Jason because, “My body is a temple and you have defiled me with your vampire-loving pecker!” She’s ridiculous but so fun to watch.

Vamp Camp
So this camp has some fun activities like “Pick Up the Racquetballs or Get Shot” and “Speed Intercourse.” Unfortunately Pam gets stuck in talk therapy. They want to study her intelligent thought while guns are pointed at her but the incentive is a live donor.

Pam obliges her therapist and her answers prove what we already kind of know. She is cold and admits that she has no feelings, even for her maker who released her. This ends up biting her in the ass when she is put in a Gladiator situation with Eric thanks to the planning of Sarah and Steve Newlin.

Bonus: Eric is shirtless a lot in these scenes.

Meanwhile, Tara and Jessica don’t make friends with the other lady vampires and Jessica has a religious crisis and thinks she’s the devil. Or is Bill the devil? It’s okay, Jason plans on joining the LAVTF and helping make amends with Jessica and the other vampires he’s done wrong.

A Werewolf Walks Into a Bar...
Alcide is looking for Emma and is seeking info on her whereabouts at a seedy wolf bar. He even gets propositioned by a hooker wolf so that’s cool. She needs $50 to make you holler...she gets pay to do the wild thing. Sorry for that...I had to.

Alcide has a confrontation with his dad who’s just trying to offer up some advice and apologize for not being there more when he was a pup. Alcide flips out and wants him out of his life. Oh just calm down and take off your shirt already!

Nicole gets dressed after her night with Sam. She just wants to head out and call her parents to let them know she’s alive. Sam advises against it because wolves may kill them but in the meantime, Alcide’s dad spots them on the street.

Will he snitch on them to Alcide? That would get him back on his son’s good side. Or will he just go back to enjoying the wolf hooker in his hotel room?

Last Taste
We learned quite a bit in this episode, especially the fact that Sookie’s parents were sacrificing her life so she wouldn’t be turned. Will she survive the drowning attack? Doesn’t she always survive? Yes.

The flashbacks were pretty cool and informative too. Next week, we’ll see who manages to survive this crazy war.

Watch “Don’t You Feel Me?” next Sunday on HBO at 9 p.m. ET.