'Game of Thrones' Recap: 'The Lion and The Rose'

The happy newlyweds... (courtesy EW)

A hunt, a beach bonfire, a nasty breakup and one of the best weddings in the history of everything! We were reintroduced to a few favs that we missed in the season premiere and this episode of "Game of Thrones" was a whirlwind that ended in a most unpleasant-looking death. Admit it, you cheered a little.

Hunting For Daddy's Approval
Everyone's favorite torturer is back! It's that bastard Ramsay Snow and he's hunting a human with his Reek close behind. Theon is looking well, don't you think? No? Well, Miranda (remember that little temptress from one of Theon's torture scenes from last season?) is jealous of her blonde gal pal and she gets to hunt her down and shoot her and feed her to dogs. Fun times in the Dreadfort!

Ramsay later runs into his pops, Roose Bolton, and shows him his little toy, Theon...uh, Reek. Ramsay is so proud of the way he flayed and trained Theon but Roose wanted him whole and to use him as a bargaining chip in attaining Moat Cailin. But look, daddy! I can taunt him and have my toy shave me! Theon then admits to Roose that he didn't kill the two Stark boys so since there are living male Starks, the country will rally to their side. To prove Ramsay's worth, Roose wants him to take the moat. He offers Locke (the dude who chopped off Jaime's hand) to find and kill the Stark boys.

Worst Beach Bonfire Ever!
Over at Dragonstone, Melisandre is toasting up some Lord of Light naysayers and Stannis's mean wife is putting down their sweet little soulless Greyscale-afflicted daughter. That little girl has big ideas and reads books and stuff. They send in Melisandre to set her straight and to clarify about Heaven and Hell. She reminds the child that "There's only one Hell, princess, the one we live in now." It was a brief scene...probably because we have a wedding to get to.

Hungry Like the Wolf
Bran is hungry and warging and gets rudely interrupted by Hodor. Meera is concerned for his safety and fears losing him. They walk on and Bran sees a wolf by a Weirwood tree. He touches the face and has a vision. He sees a raven, a sword, his dead dad who says "look for me" and then hears "North." Now he knows which way to go. It's like medieval GPS!

Best Wedding Present Ever
All the good stuff goes down in King's Landing. Now that we saw what Theon, Stannis and Bran were up to, let's get down to the real drama. First off, Tyrion encourages his brother, Jaime to learn how to his his left hand and fight. Jaime is genuinely worried that word will get out that he can't fight properly. Tyrion enlists Bronn to train Jaime in secret. Can Bronn keep a secret? I mean, he reveals that he bangs a noisy married woman where he's training Jaime so...anyway. Bronn shows no mercy but Jaime seems determined to learn to fight again.

Varys tells Tyrion that Shae has been discovered and of course, Tyrion fears for her safety. While Joffrey receives some wedding presents, including a wedding cup from Margaery's father, Cersei points Shae out to Tywin. Joffrey really likes his new Valyrian steel sword and decides to name it Widow's Wail, "Every time I use that it will be like cutting off Ned Stark's head all over again." Oh Joffey, please be sensitive to Sansa who's sitting right there.

In order to protect Shae, Tyrion has to send her away. But she is a stubborn one so in a really heartbreaking scene (more than the final scene, actually) Tyrion goes to Shae, calls her a whore, says that he must stay honorable to Sansa and literally ships her off to a new home. She breaks down and leaves. This is clearly more upsetting to Tyrion. Later, Bronn assures him that she has left. Hmmm...

Are those wedding bells I hear? Why yes! It's a nice day for a...purple weddingggg. We only see a brief part of the actual ceremony but Margaery looks lovely and Joffrey still looks like an asshole. Sorry...too soon? After the ceremony, the colorful and festive reception begins. There are some chats between the families. For instance, Lady Olenna and Tywin discuss money and the debt to the Iron Bank. Lady Olenna also gives her condolences to Sansa regarding Robb. Such a disgrace to murder someone at a wedding..."Killing a man at a wedding! Horrid. What sort of monster would do such a thing? As if men need more reasons to fear marriage." You laughed, admit it.

Jaime and Loras exchange pleasantries. You know, like "Stay the hell away from my sister because she's mine." kinda stuff. Speaking of jealous, Cersei picks up on Brienne's crush on Jaime and accuses her of loving him. Poor Brienne is a fighter not a lover.

During the reception, Maragery makes the announcement that Joffrey will give the leftovers from the wedding to the poor. Oh what a wonderful king! Praise him! Well Cerei commands Pycelle to tell them to give the food to the dogs instead. Or he'll be dog food. Man, she's ruff! (sorry)

How about that pissing match between Tywin, Cersei, Oberyn and that bastard, Ellaria Sand? Pretty fun, right? Cersei got a little demotion there from Queen Regent to Lady. Oberyn even makes a dig about Cersei's daughter, Myrcella, who's been sent to Dorne. Tension is getting high at this wedding. Not again! Oh yes.

This wedding is too amusing. Time for a history lesson! A large lion's mouth opens and releases a troupe of little people mocking the deaths of Robb Stark, Renly Baratheon while Joffrey is a hero and it's just awful. Sansa looks on in horror as does most of the guests. It was actually hard to watch and I wanted to punch Joff's smug little face through the TV.  Tyrion asks Podrick to "Pay each of them 20 gold when this is done. I'll have to find another way to thank the king." Shut up, Tyrion. Shut. Up.

Joffrey then turns on Tyrion and tells him that he should fight but Tyrion reopens old wounds (The Battle of Blackwater) and turns the tables on Joffrey by mocking his lousy battle presence, "I think you should fight, this was but a poor imitation of your own bravery in battle..." So yeah, Joffrey pours wine on Tyrion's head like a jilted lover in a bar. He goes on to further humiliate Tyrion by making him his cup bearer. The humiliation is cut short by the arrival of the wedding pie. He slices open the pie and doves fly out. Some doves don't quite make it though.

Sansa just wants to go home but Joffrey won't allow Tyrion to take her home. As he eats his dry pie, he demands more wine from Tyrion. and then starts to choke. Dontos the fool and the one who gave Sansa that necklace in the season premiere, grabs her and urges her to leave for her own safety.

His choking alarms the guests and they run to help him, even Jaime. Tyrion of course looks at the cup wondering what happened. Cersei is losing what's left of her mind and Joffrey is looking like he's turning into a zombie. He dies in Cersei's arms and she orders Tyrion to be taken away. It's like one of those murder mystery dinners Who killed Joffrey? Who stands to gain the most from his death? Why did Dontos drag away Sansa? Did Maragery's father line with poison that wedding cup he gave Joff as a present?

Tune in next week for "Breaker of Chains" at 9 p.m. ET on HBO.