'Game of Thrones' Recap: 'Oathkeeper'

Courtesy HBO

Will this week's "Game of Thrones" spark as much media controversy as last week's? Possibly? In an episode that began with fire and ended with ice, we were treated to some family secrets, crucifixion, more horrendous rape, and an infant sacrifice. What say you, Mr. Martin? Grab your sword, we have some lessons to attend...

No Mercy
Missandei is giving Grey Worm a reading lesson...or is it their first date? Hard to tell but they reflect on their childhoods and neither sound very pleasant. Grey Worm comes from the Summer Isles and does not want to return. Missandei was captured at age five and she remembers her village burning. At least they didn't have to endure watching "Barney."

Dany interrupts the lesson to let Grey Worm know that "it's time." Led by Grey Worm, Dany's soldiers slosh through the sea up to Meereen's gate and stealthily enter. They make their way to the slaves who do not believe a revolt on their masters in a good plan plus, can we trust this blonde gal? Grey Worm reassures these poor folks, who were not trained as soldiers like the unsullied were, that Dany is legit. The soldiers provide the slaves with swords to attack their masters. The masters are swarmed and attacked and Dany is yet again deemed, Mhysa.

So what to do with all of these horrid slave masters? Ser Barristan reminds Dany that there were 163 children nailed along their travels to Meereen but she should offer them mercy. Oh hell no. "I will answer injustice with justice." She practices eye for an eye and nails the men up for her new "children" to see. Dany is not only the mother of dragons but the mother to the residents of Astapor, Yunkai and now Meereen. Nicely done! Her oath to free the slaves was kept. By the way, where are her dragons? Not in the budget this week either?

Swords and Secrets
Bronn is giving Jaime his seaside sword lesson (another lesson in this episode?) and hilariously slaps Jaime with his own prosthetic hand. Tough love there, Bronn. They discuss Tyrion and how Bronn is sure he did not kill Joffrey. Jaime doesn't really believe it either. Bronn encourages him to pay his bro a visit and ask him for himself and to repay Tyrion by fighting for him.

So hey, Tyrion, nice digs ya got here but mine were worse. Jaime pays a visit and it's established that Tyrion isn't Joffrey's murderer. Tyrion knows that it doesn't matter because not only does Judge Daddy Tywin want him dead but so does Cersei and she'll stop at nothing. Jaime can't set Tyrion free since he's the Lord Commander of the King's Guard and it would be treason. Sansa would actually have more reason to kill Joffrey and since she ran off right after he died. Well...

Speaking of Sansa, she's still on Lord Baelish's Love Boat on her way to see him marry her Aunt Lysa. She flat out asks him if he killed Joffrey and he says that he has the alibi of being in the Vale but he tells her that she was involved. Whaaaa? He was basically the conductor. Did you notice that a stone was missing from that fake necklace, Sansa? But he has no motive to kill Joffrey. Well apparently a man with no motive is a man no one suspects and Petyr would risk everything to get what he wants. And he wants everything. Joff was never a reliable ally and Petyr's new friends are predictable so Joff needed to be removed  from the situation. Damn that Littlefinger is eeeevilll.

Okay so Littlefinger killed Joffrey, right? But wait, Lady Olenna and Margaery are having a fun convo on how she's bored and doesn't want to be around for a trial in King's Landing and how Margaery will probably end up matched with Tommen so she should "get to know him better" and how she screwed her sister's fiancé so hard that he couldn't walk and...wait, what? Oh by the way, "You didn't think I'd let you marry that beast, would you?" wink, wink I killed Joffrey so you could marry the nicer brother. Soooo...the plot thickens.

Someone's knocking at Cersei's door...oh, it's brother Jaime. Funny how he politely knocks after he recently raped her by their son's casket. Chivalry ain't dead, I guess? Cersei is more concerned about how many men are guarding Tommen's room and why Catelyn Stark let Jaime go free. Cersei wants him to prove himself to her and capture and kill Sansa but he won't. He also tells her that Tyrion did not kill Joffrey. "You always pitied him, he'll kill us all." Oh just put four men at Tommen's door and buzz off.

I guess the four men placement order is on delay because as little Tommen tosses and turns, Margaery comes in to pay a nighttime visit to her intended. Oh man this made me uncomfortable. How old is Tommen now? Like ten? She tells him she's about to be his bride and they'll have some secrets, in fact, she wants to know one now. Ser Pounce interrupts and Tommen mentions how Joff wanted to do horrible things to the royal pussy. Hush, I'm talking about Ser Pounce. Tommen isn't cruel like his dead brother and Margaery reminds him of that and that these visits need to be kept a secret. A forehead kiss bids him farewell.

Speaking of farewell, Jaime has a moment with Brienne and provides her with three gifts as a thank you: a sword of Valyrian steel; a spiffy new suit of armor that was made-to-measure; and, Pod as her squire for when she goes on her journey to find Sansa and keep her safe. Because that was her oath to Catelyn Stark, to keep her girls safe. Jaime says that she should name her new sword and... dun dun dun...Brienne names it "Oathkeeper."

Snow Storm
Another sword lesson? Jon Snow is getting his fellow brothers in shape for battle, including newcomer, Locke. I think Locke looks like Jason Sudeikis with a heavy beard, but that's just me. Anyway, Ser Allister does not like Jon Snow and berates him by telling him to go empty a chamber pot. Allister couldn't care less what the brothers think of him. Jon wants to go to Craster's Keep to look for his brother, Bran, and to head off Karl and the rest of the Mutineers before they meet up with Mance and the rest of the Wildlings.

Upon consulting with Janos Slynt, Allister allows Jon Snow to go with volunteers, if anything, he'll be out of his sight. In a scene reminiscent of "Army of Darkness," Jon Snow asks his brothers "who will go with me" on the 60 mile journey to Craster's to defeat the Mutineers before Mance gets to them. Slowly, they volunteer, including Locke.

Meanwhile at Craster's Keep...Okay so this Karl dude (played by Burn Gorman) is a real douche and has quite the potty mouth. He's drinking wine from Lord Mormont's skull and his men are brutally raping Craster's daughters. He makes Ramsay Snow look like Gandhi. Well, maybe not Gandhi but Karl is a mega jerk. Then, in walks the midwife with Craster's last born child, a son. The girls start chanting, "A gift to the gods." Meaning they must sacrifice the baby to the White Walkers.

Karl appoints his lackey to take the baby into the woods and leave him as the sacrifice. He actually seems a little upset for like a millisecond but then walks off. He spies Ghost the direwolf in his cage and taunts him with water. Ghost jumps up and startles him but in the meantime, Hodor, Meera, Bran and a sickly Jojen Reed hear the baby crying. Bran investigates the situation while warging and he sees Ghost. They investigate further as a group and upon seeing the Keep,  Meera wants to leave as it looks incredibly rapey. Too late, Hodor is hit and the gang is captured. Did your heart break when Hodor was being taunted? It better have. Hodor!

Karl admires Bran's leather clothes and sees him as highborn. He gets fresh with Meera and whoops! Jojen is down and seizing. Bran admits who he is and Meera tends to her brother. Karl sees this as quite the opportunity now that he has Jon Snow's brother as a hostage.

So the baby? Is it safe? Is it warm? No. It's carried away by a White Walker and laid onto an icy table and touched on its face. It's eyes change and we have an instant babysicle. Even as he turns blue he's still adorable.

Next Sunday's all new episode, "First of His Name," airs on HBO at 9 p.m. ET. Here's a peek...