'Game of Thrones' Recap: 'The Children'

Photos courtesy HBO

Well kids, another season of "Game of Thrones" has ended and as promised, it was full of battles, revenge and so much blood. They left out all the bones we saw too...and exploding heads.

The children were misbehaving in this episode and it was extra long, so grab a bottle and let's attack this amazing season finale.

Negotiations and Fire

The episode picks up exactly where it left off after that epic battle. Jon Snow heads to the Wildling camp to bargain with Mance. He's welcomed into his tent and they toast to Ygritte. After that battle, it's hard to believe the civility of this exchange. It turns out, the Wildlings don't want to conquer, they want to get behind the Wall for protections. It's cold and stuff out there! Open the gates to them and no one else will die...don't open the gates and they'll kill everyone in Castle Black. Yeah, I don't think the brothers will like this deal. They're interrupted by those menacing horns and...what's this? Lots and lots of horses riding uniformly? You kept trying to read the Sigil didn't you? Who can it be now? You knew who it was. Oh and more Wildlings are slaughtered.

It turns out it's Stannis and Ser Davos; not dressed appropriately for this harsh weather. Naughty children. They greet the super-against-kneeling Mance with Jon standing by his side and Jon introduces himself as the son of Ned Stark. He offers advice to Stannis on how to humanely handle Mance...as his father would have. Oh and be sure to burn the bodies of the dead before it gets dark. They get kinda zombie-esque if you don't.

Maester Aemon presides over the burning of the brothers and Jon Snow does the honors. Stannis and Davos look on and who should appear in the flames? Oh that Red Woman and her love of fire. Melisandre just gives a smoldering look. She's good at that creepy stare and schemes and things.

Jon Snow pays a visit to prisoner Giantsbane and they talk about love and stuff. He may be big and scary but he can tell when a woman loves her man...because she only spoke of killing him. He tells Jon that she should be taken and burned in the real North. Jon obliges and burns her body. I think I saw some tears. I'm still not over her death. I think they could've made it work after she got over her urge to kill him.

Dr. Frankenstein, I Presume?

Okay this was a brief scene but the whole Frankenstein-y vibe was evident. The Mountain is on a slab and was not, in fact, killed in the combat. Cersei's new doctor, Qyburn, thinks he can fix him up. Pycelle is like...oh hell no! Cersei looks on and wants him all fixed up no matter what. Qyburn reveals, "The process may change him somewhat." Weakened? Nope. He hooks him up and his blood drains into a flask. Oh just connect the beast up to a key and a kite and let's see what happens! Cersei needs him for some more bad doings.

City of Brotherly Lovin'

Brazen Cersei once again challenges pop and wants out of her engagement to Loras Tyrell. Tywin will have none of this and says that this isn't the first time someone had to marry someone they thought was yucky...deal with it. She pleads and demands that she is not sent to Highgarden and away from Tommen. She's already lost her other children and vows that she will burn the house to the ground by telling everyone the truth about her and Jaime. Tywin acts like he didn't know what was going on under his nose. "Your legacy is a lie." He knows.

Cersei then visits her brotherlover and reveals that she chooses him and that she told dad about their love and sexy time and kids. She's staying put because she loves Jaime and wants him to do her on that super uncomfortable-looking table. Will she get her wish and be able to stay in King's Landing? Read the books or tune in next year for the answer.

Naughty Dragons in Chains

I'm pretty sure a lot of the season was spent with Dany getting introduced by Missandei. Dany is seeing her "people" and granting her wisdom and their wishes. First up? Brooks from "The Shawshank Redemption!" No, wait. It's Fennesz and he enjoyed his life being a teacher to his master's children. He served a purpose and thanks a lot blondie for leaving him homeless and out of his "prison." The shelters she has set up for the freed slaves favor the young and they prey on the old. He wants back in and she agrees that he and his master could set up a limited contract. Ser Barristen ain't too keen on this.

Next up on the People's Court, a man holding his burnt-to-a-crisp three-year-old daughter. Thanks, Drogon! Dragon number three is missing but the other dragons get rounded up and put in a time out. Dany actually shows some emotions and we see tears as she punishes her growing children. Imagine how big they'll be next season!

Army of Darkness II

Bran, Hodor, Meera and Jojen Reed are on their journey and finally make it to their destination. This is evidenced by seeing the Weirwood tree that Jojen saw in his vision. They approach and the fire goes out of the beautiful beacon. Then, Jojen gets grabbed by a wight. In fact, it's a down wight mess of them! (sorry) They attack, kill Jojen and make approaching the tree really difficult. Where's Ash and his boomstick when you need him? One of "The Children" (click on the link for more details on these inhuman folks) appears with her fire-flinging ability and urges them to enter a mysterious cave. Sad Meera is torn but wisely enters with the gang.

Inside the protective cave, Bran finally meets that Three-Eyed Raven he's been chasing, only he looks a bit like Father Time. He's been following them their whole life and Jojen brought him there despite knowing what would happen to him. Bran learns that he'll never walk again..."but you will fly." Hodor!

Brienne of Whoop Ass

Pod continues to prove to be a really crappy squire. Brienne wakes up and find that their horses are gone and there's like, 30 miles left until their Eyrie destination to get Sansa. But as luck would have it, Brienne ends up finding another Stark girl. It's Arya and her pooping captor. Brienne wants to take Arya but the Hound, of course, will have none of this suspected Lannister-sympathizer. They end up fighting and holy shit what a fight. Last week's episode was all about the battling but this? This was pretty epic.

Brienne eventually defeats the Hound but can't find Arya. I guess they go to look for her? Arya then comes out of hiding and approaches the wounded dog. He ends up begging Arya to kill him. This would help her with her list but instead, she takes his coins and lets him die a slow and painful death. Or will he die? Maybe Qyburn will come along and splice the two brothers together for a Super Clegane?

Arya later comes upon a ship and salty men and begs for a cabin so she could head North. When the man refuses and says he's going home to Braavos, she whips out that iron coin given to her by Jaqen H'ghar and utters the words "Valar Morghulis." The man obliges and she gets her cabin. The show ends with her triumphantly looking ahead. How much do we love Arya and her determination? She's been through some horrible stuff but has only emerged stronger. Now let's see what's up with Tyrion, shall we?

Escape From King's Landing

Jaime arranges for Tyrion's escape via Varys and a ship. Jaime just can't watch his little brother die and this kinda warmed my heart. Jaime gives Tyrion his orders and hugs him goodbye. Instead of just doing what he's told though, Tyrion heads through his old stomping ground. What's this? A seductively lit bedroom with a gal saying something about "Tywin" and "My Lion?" Oh it's just Shae the hilarious whore and she's now bedding another Lannister. They have a slap fight and Tyrion strangles her with her necklace. Word to the wise in King's Landing...necklaces are bad news. Tyrion grabs a crossbow and moves on.

He then finds his pop on the throne. Haha! Yes! Where else are we most vulnerable? Such a great scene and Dinklage brings it once again. He reminds his dad how he's always wanted him dead. Tywin says that he would never allow his son to die but Tyrion doesn't believe this crap. (sorry again) The clincher here is that Tywin is done in by calling Shae a whore. Well she is! He gets two in the chest and then Tyrion finds Varys as instructed. He's boxed up and put on a boat. As Varys walks away from the ship, he hears the bells. Murder. He chooses to get back on that boat and presumably not deal with the shit storm that King's Landing is about to face.

So Tyrion is safe...for now. The season was amazing if I may say so and we'd love to hear your thoughts. Your favorite moments, disappointments, hopes for Season Five. It was a pleasure recapping for you...until next year!