'The Strain' Recap: 'Fort Defiance'

Courtesy thestrain.com

Y'all, I thought that by having ready the books I'd know what was going on. Ha. Haaaa. Nope. Okay, time to make sense of this mess. Let's do this.

Even vamps are vain as Bolivar's wig is worse than Eph's. But like Kelly, he's been allowed to keep his voice so can tell the cops who stop him helpful things like 'don't touch the soil.' They of course don't listen and bcome instant vamp chow. The man told you, you didn't listen. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

Eph and Nora administer the chain breaker serum and it's working. It's working! It's...not. Dammit, back to the drawing board. Perhaps a smidge less potent next time?  But that's why we experiment. Onward! Setrakian takes a moonlit stroll by himself to tag a vampire and collect a worm. Uh, what? Know who else is playing a dangerous game? Gus. Quinlan's putting him through the express training camp in order to execute plan: kidnap Eldritch Palmer. *Flips frantically through books*; where did this happen? Oh right, it didn't. Huh?

Setrakian does some parallel research with the worm. Or maybe it's alchemy. At any rate, it's very secret. What's not secret is Dutch's compulsion to proposition anyone that moves. Down, girl. Anyone seen Fet? He's just been out putting up flyers warning the public of the vampire threat seeing as the internet is down and all. Just about everyone's accounted for; wait, where's Zach? Who had babysitting duty tonight? Out-Carling Carl, he hopped a bus to head home to Queens to find his mom. That's it young man, you are grounded until the vampire apocalypse is over! Setrakian is now putting something in his eye from the blood worm and I throw my hands up in surrender because dafuq?

Heading back to the lab, Nora finds Setrakian on the ground and revives him. Uh, Abe? Why are you bleeding from your eyes? Dude, level with Nora; she's the sanest one of the bunch. On the Staten Island ferry, Mr. Fitzwilliam (remember him? Palmer's bodyguard?) seems to have found a whole bunch of nope for his former employer. You know it's bad when escape means Staten Island. Eichhorst and Bolivar visit Palmer to install Boliver as his new babysitter which predictably infuriates Palmer so point to Eichhorst. I'm thinking that The Master won this round of the Babysitter Wars. Energized, Fet wants to blow up the subway to prevent the vampires from finding a work-around for the 'no crossing running water' thing but Dutch spies a flyer of her roommate so I must find her. A quest! Fet doesn't care as he's getting laid so into the super bread truck we go.

Nothing brings a community together like declaring an area a 'plague-free' zone and Staten Island sends a message to The Master by unveiling a bunch of beheaded vamps. As far as messages go, it's certainly a bold one but I doubt you you'll be able to handle the reply. Councilwoman Faraldo, can you do for the rest of the city what you've done here? You will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters. Fine, twist my arm but I call the shots. Done. Why does this seem like a really bad idea?

Post treatment and revival, Setrakian is looking much better but Nora wants some answers about those eye drops. Fine, but pinky-swear you won't tell anyone. He distills the blood worms and adds them to his eyes to maintain his health. He's 94 and doesn't look a day over half-past dead. It's the only way to keep living and fighting and I'm sorry but putting worm soup in my eyes? It's not that important to stay young. He has not yet begun to defile himself. Oh, I beg to differ Professor. Nora will keep his secret but she'll never look at him the same way again. If that's not enough, Palmer chats up Bolivar, wanting to know about being a vampire. Well, yes, Eldritch, it's a good idea to have some sort of clue what you're getting into here. Despite her stupid name, Coco isn't dumb as she lets Palmer know that those men give her a bad feeling that there's a horrible mistake being made here. Palmer reassures her that some things have to be done; things that good men won't do. That's certainly comforting and I bet you didn't read the fine print of your employment contract either.

Eph wants to celebrate their small success in stopping the transmission but since it won't cure Kelly, Zach unleashes an epic temper tantrum, smashing up the lab. Why are you surprised, Eph? He learned it by watching you. Eph is over it all and drags Zach into the area with the recently turned couple are kept, smushing him up against the side yelling that there is no more Kelly, only Zuul, er, vampires. You know what Eph? Let the kid go; Your rug is more likable than Zach. He's an ungrateful, sulking brat who's capable of contributing and processing but would rather sulk and whine and wail. Don't let the door hit you on the way out son. But he won't and so we're resigned to watching this dreadfully boring relationship play out.

Because Dutch can't get her head in the game until she knows what happened to her roommate. We collectively don't care but since Fet is invested now, he'll humor her. Nikki is still missing but Mama's got a whole lot of butt hurt to unload on Dutch from breaking the internet to being little better than a vampire herself, consuming up everyone she comes in contact with. The truth hurts and Dutch seeks solace in Fet's crotch. Can she die yet? I'm completely over her useless ass.

You know who make the best drinking companions? Immobilized vampires. Eph tosses back a few shots and starts feeling his vodka muscles. You want a piece of my son? Well you can't have him and I'm coming for you. Yes Eph, he's very impressed and totes scared now. Moving on, Operation: Kidnap the Old White Dude is underway with Gus gaining entrance to Palmer's building posing as an elevator-maintenance-repair guy. It works and he brought a small army of vamp hunters with him. Palmer didn't get to where he was by being stupid however and so they vacate the penthouse to the secret panic/control room. This room's got everything: trap doors, secret rooms and....UV lights. With the hunters squealing like pigs, Gus has to get the hell out of Dodge and I throw my Kindle across the room because NONE OF THIS HAPPENED IN THE BOOK!

Thanks to his Vamp-sine, Setrakian's got his second wind, Dutch is hungry for more than sausage, and Eph is ready to try the chain breaker on a live-er volunteer tonight. While we certainly hope that Quinlan escaped the involuntary tanning bed, no tears will be shed for Dutch or Zach's departure. Make sure to tune in next Sunday at 10 EDT for 'The Silver Angel', only of FX.