Hey, ParaPoppers. It’s Monday, which can only mean one thing — rehashing last night’s enigmatic, delirious and sublimely bizarre episode of True Blood. This is something we’ll do every Monday, so tune in — that inbox of yours can wait.
**SPOILER**
Jason is more than thrilled to inform the Lukeinator that he is to be the poster boy for Soldiers of the Sun and that he’ll be moving in with the Newlins. Ridiculed by his bunkmates, who suggest Sarah will use him as a play thing, Jason leaves in a huff, insisting “she’s not like that.” Is Jason Stackhouse respecting a woman? Color me impressed.
At Casa Compton, Bill plays Danny Tanner, with fangs. After walking in on Jessica and Hoyt macking, Bill squashes it. Poor Jessica. Nothing worse than being a teenage vampire virgin. After Jessica admits she’s never even kissed a boy—“I swear I wasn’t gonna bite him!”—Bill sends her upstairs and threatens to throw Hoyt “out a window. That is closed.” Sookie goes maternal and talks Bill into taking Jessica with them to Dallas. Family Road Trip! Pass the Doritos.
As Sookie disembarks her Anubis Airlines flight (If you are a Lostophile like myself, do not Wiki "Anubis." The cross reference with Richard Alpert and True Blood might make your head explode) in “the most vampire-friendly destination" in Texas, she is almost abducted by a F.O.T.S baddie. Monkey wrench thrown. Bill saves her, natch, and after some glamouring in the back of a limo, it's off to the hotel, where Jessica tries her hand at glamouring and hilarity ensues. Eric shows up for a confab with Bill, who is not thrilled that the Fellowship is involved. Eric admits fear at the thought that if humans could capture a vampire as powerful as Godric, what does that mean for him? Sookie, meanwhile, has a most interesting encounter: the bellboy, who delivers Jessica’s snack (“straight man, b-negative”), shares her mind-reading gift. Oh no he didn’t.
A depressed Tara (duh, it’s her birthday), is surprised by Maryann, who has invited all manner of Bon Temps folk over for a party. Daphne hooks up with Sam (shocker) and tells him she knows his secret. Say again? Maryann comes bearing food, which is bad—things from that woman’s kitchen lead to trouble, as evidenced by the trademark gyrating, increasingly less-clad people. This time things get bizarre, even for Bon Temps. As Maryann chants and vibrates, the guests start rolling in the dirt, smashing their faces in cake, all with blackened eyes (think Maya on Heroes). But she's not done. For her next trick, Maryann’s hands morph into three-pronged, clawed hooves dripping with venom. Is she the "scratcher?" All signs say "yes," but it is Bon Temps—I spent the majority of Season 1 thinking Sam was the killer.
—Tara and Eggs= steamier than the bayou.
—It’s expensive to be a vamp. Eric rocks an iPhone (we’ll assume it’s a 3GS), and one bottle of Tru Blood sets you back $45.
—Three’s company at the Newlins? We’ll see. And really, Sarah: walking around in your lingerie? That's not very Biblical.
—Sam is still hanging around town. Is he leaving or what? He's like the Michael Jordon of Bon Temps.