'True Blood' recap: 'Everything is Broken'

At-home critic (and Rental Reviewer) Denise Purvis reviews HBO's vampire soap True Blood each week.

True Blood, S3, ep. 9: 'Everything is Broken'

Maybe not so much that “Everything is Broken” as much as they are everything is getting killed.

The episode opens up with Eric and Pam attempting to flee Fangtasia and find a human to live with. Well, Sookie isn’t an option since her house (still ragged from Maryanne’s visit) is a hotbed of activity. They inquire about staying with Ginger and she thinks it’s because of the American Vampire League checking up on the whole V thing. So, now it seems that Pam and Eric have to deal with the AVL on top of the whole Russell situation. Well, damn, you’d think things would get easier around there, but the problems just keep mounting up. As you remember from the last episode, Eric staked Talbot near the end of the show sending Russell back to Louisiana.

Speaking of Russell and Louisiana, we cut to the king crawling on the floor and grasping at Talbot’s guts. Again, WHERE do the clothes go? Do they disintegrate upon staking? What about the bones?  Is it just me or did Russell notice the crown was missing? Is that because of the fact he is one with his d├ęcor or because he knows something bigger is up?

Then, we have another sexually-charged shower scene. Those seem to keep popping up lately. Sookie and Bill are grinding on each other and he heals her bite marks. Man, that dude is going to bleed her dry. I couldn’t help thinking about a tampon commercial as it showed the blood circling the drain. I’m not really sure WHY they were showering before they were disposing of dead bodies, but I guess since they’re not a normal couple, they do things backwards.  Sookie says to Bill, “For once, I’d like to not find a dead body in my house. Is that asking too much?” Well Sook, you ARE a fang banger after all.

Finally, she inquires why Bill has a secret follow on her.  Blah, blah, blah, they were trying to kill her.
Blah, blah, blah, he had to figure out why Eric was so interested in Sookie.

I mean come on dude, just come clean. Oh, and he had to figure out what or who Sookie actually is … okay, then that’s cool. Was it just me or was I the only one that cringed when she said “thang?” I mean, seriously. That accent hasn’t improved any. Sookie to Bill: “I don’t know how you did things in the 1800s but keeping a file on a woman you love is creepy.”

And it appears Jesus and Lafayette have finally done the dirty. Bravo. Jesus has a jaguar tattoo and he plays it off like it’s something he got as a result of his high school mascot. Come on, everyone in Bon Temps/Shrieveport/everywhere is some sort of mythical creature. I wouldn’t be shocked if he was a shifter too.

I am just going to put it out there, but Crystal Meth is starting to reach Deb status here. She lurks around in her white-trash garb and blames Jason for kidnapping and raping her. Seriously? So, Felton’s threatening to shoot Jason and they have to knock him out and tie him up at a tree. Well, it turns out the sheriff’s deputy who got dispatched out there to check on it got seriously injured.

Well, freaking A, I mean why would you drag Crystal Meth up to the sheriff’s office when you know her cousin-brother-lover-uncle’s are housed up there? Jason has this big plan to bring the meth heads down for dealing V, too. And Andy is so stressed that he has an ulcers so big coffee is coming out of his belly button. Why exactly is Andy hoarding that V, though? Hmmm.

Nan don’t know nada! All she knows is that the basement at Fangtasia is so clean that you could do surgery down there. Post-blue sweater Eric (I just can’t let it go) tells her, “Well, I’m a Virgo. I like to be neat.” The basement’s not the only thing coming clean. Eric tells Nan (and the whole Authority) the full deal with Russell.  He tells them that Russell killed the magister, how he bullied Sophie Anne into being with him, how he’s had this 1000-year-old revenge plan, the whole nine. Nan looks like she’s about to drop a load, but she instead decides to keep my favorite duo locked up while it is being investigated.

PTSD Tara turns up at Sam’s place to cry when Sam receives a call from Arlene regarding ol’ Tommy boy. So he leaves her at his trailer alone (so she can look up porn on his laptop?). Damn that Tommy! That kid is a rotten egg! And an ingrate! And well, he has a big bush. I don’t like him anymore.

Poor Sam, no wonder he ends up beating Crystal’s dad within an inch of his life. He’s stressed and emasculated. And it is a lot of weight to carry around a petty crime family, a restaurant where people turn up dead and employees that rarely show up for work, and those big dog balls from when he shifts.

So Tara WASN’T looking up porn. I can connect the dots. She ends up at a rape support group with Holly, the new Merlotte’s waitress. Speaking of Holly? What’s up with her? I mean, she’s got this support group and then offers Arlene advice on abortion? This episode has some heavy issues. Plus Holly is hiding some supernatural secret, I just know it.

Getting back to my boyfraannnnnnnn Eric. Pam and he have a heart-to-heart. Eric never told his main gal about all this hate he’s been carrying around for a millennium (and I thought I could hold a grudge) and he wants Pammy to make her own vamp once the AVL pins the Magister’s death on him. But as it turns out, the AVL is just going to fuh-get about his story because it’s a “political tar baby.” Instead, they’re going to let Eric take care of Russell by himself. Sexy!

Nan’s not messing around either. She tells Eric, “Bring me his fangs or I will have yours.” I personally have always liked Eric’s fangs.

But let me rewind a little, then forward a little. Russell was on top of the roof gawking at Nan going into Fangtasia to deliver the news to Eric. And yes, he is holding a jar of Talbot’s guts. Not quite as cute as carrying around an urn of ashes, but it’ll do. That thing looks heavy and yes, Russell is talking to Talbot’s guts.

OK, fast forward again. Nan is slurping on some big-boobed sprawled-out ho in the back of a limo and watching the news …ummm, okay. Well, none other than Russell swoops into the newscast (I was totally expecting it) and shoves his hand through the anchorman. I could swear he was flailing around a heart, but alas no! Part of a spine. Nice.

The message was pretty clear:  “Why would we seek equal rights? You are not our equals. We will eat you after we eat your children. Now time for the weather. Tiffany?” So now Russ is a vampire terrorist.

King Russ’ scene-chewing moment was a hilarious, over-the-top moment, but also an awesome one. Russell is a monster, after all, so he acts like a nefarious villain. But damn, I needed that weather report. Now I’ll never know if I need a blue v-neck cardigan tonight or not.

Smaller bites:
  • Jesus orders a bacon veggie burger. Interesting.
  • Tara acts a little bitter about Lafayette being in a relationship.
  • Speaking of Tara, Franklin shows up. Tara overcomes her victimization with a final eff-you to Franky before Jason subsequently shoots and kills him with a wooden bullet. Bye Franklin. I’ll never forget your fast texting. Do you think that this will rekindle a flame with Jason and Tara? I do.
  • Why the hell is Arlene pouring out her heart to Holly. I don’t think I like Holly. I mean, sorry lady, I know you were raped by a coworker in a storage room for five hours, but you still seem a little meddlesome.
  • Jessica! Hoyt! Summer? Tommy? Blah. Well, it turns out that Hoyt hates Summer. I mean, who wouldn’t if she made you take her antiquing for dolls. I think I threw up in my mouth a little.
  • Poor Arlene. (Cue violins playing the world’s saddest song) Now she has to deal with that little punk Tommy stealing her tips. Again, Tommy is a rotten egg. Send him packing, Sam!
  • After Sam beats the crap out of Crystal’s dad (poorly timed, Sam, but it was well deserved), Crystal gives Jason a big dis’ and ends up with Lafayette and Jesus taking him to the hospital.
  • Did I hear teabag?
  • So now Bill is making trips to Sookie’s dream world. What is the first thing he tries to do? Bite the queen bee of the fantasy land. Are we going to find out what the deal is with this?
  • Three episodes left!