'True Blood' recap: If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'?

Sassy at-home critic (and Rental Reviewer) Denise Purvis reviews HBO's vampire soap True Blood each week.

True Blood, recap 4.3: "If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'?"

Eric is dazed from last week’s witch coven meeting. He doesn’t remember who he is, what she is and so she scoots off in her Civic and he bum rushes her and ... Insert opening credits here. DAMNIT.

And then Eric calls her Snooki. Are we making a Jersey Shore reference here? He realizes that Marnie has some power. So Sookie is going to have to offer Eric some protection.

Marnie is playing the tortured soul card, but Tara says it best, “It’s been a while since I’ve been attacked by a vampire and guess what ... it still sucks.” Lafayette tells the coven, “Eric Northman is 1,000 years old. Ain’t no police that can touch him.”

Do I sense a vampire-human war coming soon?

I hate stupid-ass Jason for dealing with those Methed-out folks. I told you forever ago that Crystal Meth was bad news. Those Methy kids make me want to puke. Nature doesn’t like those Panthy rednecks. Man, why couldn’t they spring for some dental work in that compound?

Further proof of a vampire-human war: Look at Bill asserting his power now by ordering a True Death. Um, Bill is the Authority now? We’re now back at the momentary gaps between episodes.

Why in the hell is Jessica asking love advice from Bill? He’s the worst person to ask for any advice.

Hell yes! Pam! Being as whorey as I like her to be. Sook calls Pam to warn her about Eric and Pam makes it over to Sookie’s in record time and still covered in blood from her most recent snack. Pam is freaking out because she realizes that Eric is brainwashed.

Why is Hoyt cradling that creepy baby doll glimpsed in last season's finale? Jessica didn’t have sex with that other dude (but I suppose blood sucking and trading plasma is a tad bit intimate), but nevertheless she is glamouring Hoyt so he can’t remember that she told him about her sort-of-infidelity. I don’t like Hoyt’s glamoured face.

I like Eric when he’s brainwashed. He's so sweet. He smacks Pam across the room for getting too close to Snook.

Why in the hell was Jesus pissing off of the porch? Lafayette is wearing his mesh body suit. Sexy. I don’t blame Lafayette for wanting to go to Eric and beg his forgiveness.

ALCIDE! HOT ALERT. Why does he have on clothes? Oh holy crap! Why is Deb there? And who offers Vienna sausages as a snack?

Mama Maxine Fortenberry is watching QVC with Tommy while shopping for the Marie Osmond Adorabelle doll. Tommy is the worst seed ever. I hate that kid so much. A prospecter shows up at the Fortenberry house and tries to purchase natural gas rights. So Tommy’s slimy shifting ass tries to talk Sam into buying Maxine’s house because she’s poor from buying QVC dolls. HAHA!

Sam’s not jumping on that offer.

Crystal to Jason: “I want to be the mama to your baby cubs.” So, I’m going to give you some Mexican Viagra and make the entire town rape you.

Bill's lawyer girl is back. Katarina dated one gay guy, a guy that was underwhelming in the sack and one secret racist. She doesn’t care that Bill won’t be faithful to her. She just wants to bang him.

Pam to this new Lafayette/Jesus/Tara gang: “I will personally eat, f--k and kill each one of you" if they don't deliver Eric.

Smaller bites:

  • Awkward Sam and Tara exchange after their sex scene last season. Who offers spare units to their old lovers?
  • Andy is tweaking out. Good thing he had that V in his glove compartment. Andy is trying to shoot Sam’s, but luckily he’s tripped out enough to drive off on his own volition.
  • Arlene’s baby is playing with that creepy doll from Hoyt and Jessica’s house. That thing needs some disinfectant.
  • Tommy is such a freaking scallywag.
  • I hate Marnie. Blah blah blah ramble ramble. I’m sure there’s a deeper story to come that I am not that currently invested in.
  • Crystal is raping Jason who is turning into a werepanther/dying—and the rest of the female skank-panther’s are lined up in their Sunday best to take a ride of Jason. Jason’s going to need a rape kit.
  • Eric just ate Claudine dry. Yuck. She was definitely an Ork.