'Haven' recap: 'Real Estate'

Tina Bo Peep has a nightmarish Halloween
Courtesy Syfy

This week on Haven, we have a haunted house with a twist. Happy Halloween!

The Trouble

A pot farmer and Little Bo Peep walk into an abandoned house. No, that's not the beginning of a horrible joke, but the beginning a pretty darn good Halloween episode of Haven. The coeds have been at a Halloween party, and thought it might be fun to go make out in the town haunted house, because that always goes so well. While pot farmer Chad thinks that his random switch flipping is causing the fireplace to spontaneously ignite and the radio to play easy listening, his date has figured out that there is something definitely not right with the house. The couch tried to eat her; that's neither normal nor romantic. Finally, the door to the room slams shut, effectively killing the mood for both of them.

Meanwhile, the Haven Herald is having its own, less than rockin' party, and Audrey and Duke are drinking their way through it. They're the only two not in costume, and are talking to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a.k.a. Claire in full Haven Cheerleader regalia, when Bo Peep stumbles breathlessly into the room. She's seen Audrey's car and needed help. Bo Peep's convinced that her boyfriend is troubled, so Audrey, Duke, and Claire take her back to the house to pick up Chad. Nathan has to stay at the station to meet with an unexpected Jordan, but sends Tommy along for backup.

Back at the Holloway House (ooh! It has a name!), Duke explains to Audrey that Roland Holloway disappeared, leaving behind a wife and two daughters, who also disappeared. No one knows what happened, but there are stories. There always are. Audrey tries to check in with Nathan, but there's no cell service. However, Nathan somehow receives a static-ridden message from Audrey, anyway, and leaves a less than thrilled Jordan so he can check on his partner. Audrey probably needs checking on, to be honest. She glanced into one of the numerous mirrors lining the walls, passed out, and fell into one of Lucy's memories of being inside the house. Curiouser and curiouser. When she comes to, Duke points out a set of bloody footprints behind her. They follow the trail and find pot farmer Chad shoved into a bookcase. Roll Credits!!!

Outside the house, Tina (nee Bo Peep), Claire and Tommy hear Audrey's voice on an intercom and come running. Tina sees Chad's body and flees, but when the group turns to run after her, not only is she gone, but so is the front door of the house! Tommy makes to shoot out the windows, but Duke points out that might be a pointless effort, since the house just removed its own front door. Tommy slams the gun on a nearby table, and the three start trying to figure out who's troubled. Right now, it looks like Tina. Claire and Audrey split off to search the downstairs, leaving the boys to look for Tina upstairs. Tommy goes to retrieve his gun, but it's mysteriously disappeared.

Suddenly, Nathan shows up, guns ablazing, responding to Audrey's call, only to discover she never phoned. She asks how he got in, and as he points to the front door, Nathan notices that it's vanished, and now he's stuck, too. (It's like "And Then There Were None" in reverse! They just keep ADDING cast members!) Upstairs, there's a blood-curdling scream, and Duke and Tommy run toward it, only to find Tina impaled on a chandelier, with Jordan standing awestruck beneath. (How'd SHE get there? Is anyone else going to show up? We're running out of characters!) Jordan points to the pooling blood beneath Bo Peep's body, and everyone is stunned to see the spatters clearly spelling out, "This Is Your Fault." Tommy tries to apprehend Jordan, and finds himself on the floor, a victim of Jordan's pain trouble. Duke and Tommy both begin to question her, but Nathan steps in and tells them that she's with him. Tommy lets it slip that Nathan is investigating a serial killer with Jordan's tattoo.

The Teagues and Dwight stand outside (and then there were three more...), but the house has shut them out. Somehow, they've got to get in and save the group. Inside, Nathan and Jordan have found a secluded little area in which to have it out. Jordan has figured out that Nathan was using her to further his investigation, and assumes she's also a suspect. Nathan tries to explain about the bolt gun killer and the FrankenAudrey, but the damage is done. She doesn't trust him anymore, and her feelings are understandably hurt. Elsewhere in the house, Duke and Tommy are on the hunt for a phone that's started ringing. Instead, they hear a portion of Nathan and Jordan's conversation, broadcast via intercom. Jordan says that the Guard should kill Duke before he can kill them, since the Crocker family has always hunted the troubled. Nathan says that he's one of them, since he has the tattoo, and that he has her back. Duke pretends to shrug off the death threat, but Tommy is upset and confused, since Nathan assured him that he wanted nothing to do with the Guard, and was only undercover. Jordan leaves Nathan and disappears.

Down another creepy hallway, Audrey recognizes a framed picture from her Lucy memory. As Lucy did, Audrey pulls on the picture, and a secret panel opens up. She and Claire enter the hidden room and find the skeletal remains of a mother and two daughters--the missing Holloway women. From the scene, they deduce that the mother shot the girls, then herself. She holds a note that says, "I want you to watch. This is your fault." Looking in another mirror, Audrey faints again, and falls into another Lucy memory, this time seeing the room as it was immediately following the murder/suicide. Lucy and the Colorado Kid stood in the room, too late to save the family, and afraid that they, too, would forever be trapped inside the house. When she comes to, Audrey has a bloody nose, and realizes that this is HER fault. Audrey fills Claire in on the memory, and thinks that she might be able to find away out of the house if she can remember how Lucy got out. Claire is totally against this, because the bloody nose was caused by something medical I'm not even going to attempt to spell or explain. The gist is: remembering Lucy could kill Audrey.

Nathan finds Claire and Audrey and asks if they've seen Jordan. Claire, the walking exposition, is appalled that Jordan is loose in the house. Turns out, Jordan is dangerous and once revenge-tortured a man for three days. The guy's still in a coma, and Claire dropped Jordan from her practice. Nathan tells them she's not a threat and storms off after her. The girls go in another direction and run into Duke and Tommy, who tell Audrey about the intercom conversation. She's shaken, but still believes the best from Nathan. Audrey steps into the hallway to look for him, and the door slams shut, cutting her off from the others. Immediately, the house begins to quake, and they all know what's happening. It's what's been happening all night. The house is rearranging itself to separate the group. When the house is quiet again and the door opens, Audrey is gone, and a new hallway stands in her place. Duke runs after her, leaving the others on their own.

Elsewhere, dark and scary, Jordan hears an intercom rings. As she looks to see which room is calling, a door swings open and knocks her down a flight of stairs. At the same time, Duke wanders into an empty room and finds Tommy's gun lying on the ground. He picks it up. Audrey hears an intercom ring in another vacant room, and is surprised by a snippet of Nathan and Jordan's conversation, where Nathan admits to helping with the prison escape. She announces, to no one in particular, that she's there to help. In a mirror, the image of Roland Holloway appears. He calls her Lucy, and accuses her of imprisoning him in the house. This is her fault.

Tommy and Claire find Jordan at the bottom of the stairs. Nathan shows up and begins accusing Duke of harming Jordan, then picks up her unconscious body and walks off.

Roland relates his story to Audrey. He was so invested in the house that he actually BECAME the house. "The things you own own you." His wife installed mirrors and intercoms to be his eyes and ears, and in return, he imprisoned them inside the house so that they could never leave him. He watched his wife murder his children, so since Lucy couldn't save them, and Lucy couldn't save him, Roland is making Audrey watch her loved ones kill each other. It amazes me how Crazy rationalizes its actions.

Outside, the Teagues tell Dwight how, 27 years ago, Lucy went in that house and almost didn't come out. The men need to get the group out before the house kills them. Their plan: blow up the house. Again, it amazes me how Crazy rationalizes its actions. They figure that, yes, they might blow up their friends, but hey, they're dead, anyway, right? Dwight runs out to his truck and grabs a couple of sticks of C4 that he, apparently, keeps on hand for just such an occasion. What?!

Claire and Tommy run into Audrey outside of the murder nursery, and Audrey gets them up to speed on Roland Holloway. She's still set on having Lucy's memories tell them how to get out, and Claire is still sure that remembering may be hazardous to her health. Audrey insists on going in, tells Claire to go find the others and keep them from turning on each other, and Tommy volunteers to go with Audrey to keep an eye on her.

Nathan settles Jordan onto a couch and goes to get a bandage for her head, when some old wiring tosses her a gun. Jordan trains the gun on Claire, as she enters the room, uttering this week's worst/best line (depending on how you look at it. I giggled.): "What's up, Doc?"

In the murder nursery, Audrey looks in the mirror and falls down the rabbit hole, again. Roland was right; Lucy didn't help him. She realized that he had caused his family's deaths, so she vowed to make the house his prison. We don't see what she did, but Lucy had an idea about how to get out. When she comes to, Audrey has an idea, as well. She goes to find the group, and does, with them all pointing guns at each other. She tells them to, basically, get over their drama. They need to use those guns to blow out the mirrors and intercoms, effectively making the house blind and deaf. She explains to Roland that Lucy chose not to help him, and that she, Audrey, is honoring that decision. He can stay in his precious house forever. As she shoots his mirror, he turns on the gas. If he can't make them kill each other, he'll kill them himself.

Nathan notices a door that wasn't previously there. Roland is losing control over the house, and the way out could appear. Nathan runs ahead as a distraction, shooting mirrors and intercoms along the way. Duke leads the others, and they all work together to find the way out. One minute, they all want each other dead; the next, they're teaming up to save their lives. It's just another beautiful day in Haven.

Duke opens the front door to find Dwight holding a bomb with a ten-second timer. The group exits, with Nathan just barely making it through the door before the floor dropped out from beneath him. Dwight tosses in the bomb, and the house goes up like the Fourth of July. Later, Dwight comes back with a "No Trespassing" sign. It's a good thing, too, since Roland has already started to rebuild.

The Colorado Kid

Audrey shows Claire her finished composite of the Colorado Kid, and Claire begins to question if Audrey wants to remember. Claire's glad to see the drawing, but is concerned that Audrey's dream about Agent Howard may really be her subconscious shutting down the memories. Later, Claire points out that repressed memories are stored in the frontal cortex, and that some doors, once opened, can't be shut. We also find out that the Colorado Kid had a real name: James Cogan.

The Guard

Jordan says the Guard is impressed with the help Nathan provided during the prison break, but he has to pass another test. Then she gifts him with a flip cellphone. Of course, that was before the whole intercom conversation. Audrey calls Nathan on his illegal activity, but Nathan says that the Guard helps troubled people, just like they do. Audrey scoffs, but Nathan insists that Jordan isn't bad. He's like him, and he trusts her. Audrey says that's good enough for her, but we all know it's not. Jordan doesn't tell the Guard about the investigation, and lets Nathan know he can get out now, if he wants. He says he doesn't want out. He wants to catch a serial killer, and she's going to help. He says that she's more than an investigation and kisses her.

The Town Gossip

The Teagues now know they're not trusted, and they can't blame Audrey. They wouldn't trust themselves. Jordan lets us all know that a sexual assault triggered her trouble, turning her into a "human taser". Her curse isn't that she can't touch, it's that she can't be touched. Tommy tells Audrey he knows what it's like to run from a past, and Audrey says she'd like to hear about his one day. Quite frankly, so would I.

Next Week: A really mean version of Pushing Daisies. A killer is demanding ransom to bring his victims back to life, and it looks like Nathan may be in danger! On Friday, 10 p.m., Syfy