'The Walking Dead' recap: 'Arrow in the Doorpost'

The Guv vs. The Sheriff, courtesy AMC

Man, is it me, or did that "previously on" opener go way back? I had to make sure I was watching the right episode.

Darryl’s hair has taken a very hipster quality. And Hershel looks like Old Man Winter. At least he trimmed his beard. Rick, of course, is rocking the 5 o’clock shadow indefinitely.

Not that any of that matters with regards to the plot. They’re just my personal observations.

For a second there, I thought that old Rick was having one of his highly realistic hallucinations. I guess the Governor is really there. That eyepatch really does something for me. It takes me back to old episodes of Days of Our Lives with a character aptly named Patch. I’m sorry, my mind tends to wander during the commercials.

The Governor pulled the old "tape the gun under the table" trick. I would expect no less. Andrea shows up looking like a regular non-sweaty super model. I have been thinking that she must be a natural blonde. Milton is the Governor's advisor. I really didn't know his role, but I assumed it was nerdy fanboy. Martinez and Darryl squabble with one another. Yada yada.

Back at the prison, Merle wants the group to attack and kill the Governor. Carl doesn’t think they need to attack the Governor because his dad can handle it, but clearly his dad is coo-coo. Glenn doesn’t want them to attack because he doesn’t think it’s the right time. I don’t think they should because otherwise what would happen in the last three episodes.

And why in the WORLD does Andrea think that she is so entitled? She’s playing both sides of the fence, plus she’s really annoying. Step outside, lady.

Rick and the Governor go back and forth, but basically the Governor tries to make Rick feel like crap for raising a baby that probably isn't his. Damn, Andrea didn’t spare any details. (If that was Andrea that actually told him that information. I feel like I blacked out between the episodes.)

Martinez and Darryl have a biggest dick/pissing contest over who has the coolest method of killing zombies. We get it. They celebrate over a zombie’s cigarettes. I don’t think that seems sanitary.

The Governor thinks that it will make him look weak if he let’s Rick and his group leave. Rick thinks that is his problem. I think it's a good idea. They never listen to me through the TV.

The Governor pulled the least cool move ever trying to make Rick trip out like that with the story of his dead wife. Checkmate, Rick. Checkmate. (I must note here that I do not like brown liquor, but they make it look so good on this show. If I become an alcoholic, I am going to send AMC a bill for my rehab.)

Back at the prison, Merle calls Glenn a pussy because he doesn’t want to attack the Governor. Beth grows a set of balls and breaks up the fight by shooting a gun. I swear, if that fight results in another black eye for Glenn, I don’t think I am going to make it the rest of this season.

This exchange between the Governor and Rick is getting pretty wearisome, and I almost fell asleep, but then it took a turn for the interesting. The Governor wants Rick to give up Michonne in exchange for peace. Or I guess relative peace. Then he shows his creepy cross eye. And um, let me just say that Michonne is worth ALL of the lives in the prison. Including Carl ... and Judith. Okay, maybe not Carol or Darryl. Carryl. Darol. I could definitely spare Andrea or Beth. Sorry, Beth.

I don’t understand how Andrea always looks so super model fresh, but Michonne looks a little dirty, and Merle and Darryl look downright greasy.

It’s about time that Glenn and Maggie got some booty. That will eliminate some of that tension. And now that Glenn's eye is finally healed, he's looking pretty sexy again. Cue up the bow-chicka-wow-wow music. I don’t know if I could get in the mood while some skanky zombies were looking at me, either. He’s going to have to do it pretty fast because they’re supposed to be on watch. Damn, you don’t have to remove all of her clothes, just the ones that matter. How long before Maggie gets knocked up? I don’t think Glenn was carrying a condom around with him. Okay, now I am getting embarrassed.

Sweet GOD! The Governor and Rick are STILL talking?

Bottom line: The Governor lies when he says that he won’t kill them all. Well, he said don’t kill Michonne. That seems like an even trade. Milton thinks it seems shady, but I guess he was okay with all of the other creepy stuff done by the Governor. Rick lies to the Governor when he says that he’ll give up Michonne. He also kind of lies to the whole group, but I guess it’s for the best. There’s no dead wife scenes in this episode.

Sinking My Teeth In:
  • Best exchange of the episode:
    Rick: I thought you’d take responsibility.
    Governor: I thought you were a cop, not a lawyer.
    Rick: Either way I don’t pretend to be a governor.
    Governor: I told you I’m their leader.
    Rick: You’re the town drunk who knocked over my fence and ripped up my yard. Nothing more.
  • Look at Milton trying to get medical secrets from Doc Hershel. And he’s trying to sneak a peek at Hershel’s stump. Yes, he called it a stump. That made me feel bad for Hershel.
  • Andrea is meddlesome, but I guess she doesn’t know that her creeper boyfriend that kept zombie heads in an aquarium and his dead child locked up in chains is a near-rapist. I guess that’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. Personally, I think Penny would have been the nail in that coffin.
  • Rick does fess up to Hershel about the Michonne thing. Which thing did Rick want Hershel to talk him out of? Hmmmm?
  • Two thumbs up for Glenn’s now healed black eye.
  • Twelve thumbs up for Glenn finally getting laid again!
  • Three episodes left in this season. Eek!
  • Ty’s coming back!
A new episode of The Walking Dead, 'Prey,' airs March 17, 9 p.m. on AMC.