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| Dany drives a dragony bargain, courtesy HBo |
It’s hard to believe we’re already three episodes into this season of Game of Thrones but the ball is really rolling now. More new characters, a new job for Tyrion, artfully arranged horse heads, and the Kingslayer needs to learn to use his left hand.
Let’s start off by putting the "fun" in funeral...
Fun in Riverrun
Catelyn Stark’s deceased father, Hoster Tully (the Lord of Riverrun), lie in a coffin boat filled with kindling. He is set adrift and his relatives and bannermen look on. His grieving nephew Edmure lights an arrow and shoots it ceremoniously into the air with the intention to light the twigs and burn the boat. Once ... twice ... thrice ... this boy needs archery lessons. He gets pushed aside by Hoster’s brother, Ser Brynden (aka Blackfish) Tully, and one successful shot sets the coffin boat ablaze.
Robb is growing more and more concerned about the loss of men and his success in the war with the Lannisters. They’ve lost 208 much-needed men so far and Robb knows that they need more men than the "not running short on patience" Tywin. They have captured Martyn and Willem Lannister, however and are holding them hostage. These twins are the cousins of Jaime, Cersei and Tyrion and later have a Q & A with Robb’s wife Talisa when she is repairing Martyn’s injured arm.
Martyn asks Talisa if Robb indeed does turn into a wolf at night and eat the flesh of his enemies. Talisa reassures the boy that her husband doesn’t eat children unless it’s a full moon. She’ll make a great mom some day ... if she gets the chance.
Catelyn and Uncle Blackfish have a heart-to-heart over family matters. She is comforted by the fact that he was with her dad when he passed. Apparently they’ve been fighting for 30 years but have forgotten why. She laments on how she used to wait for her father to come home and is tearful that her sons, Bran and Rickon, are waiting somewhere for her. Blackfish tells her that Robb believes her boys are alive. She doesn’t seem convinced.
Musical Chairs (and Whores!) in Kings Landing
Now this is a council meeting I wouldn’t mind attending. Varys, Lord Petyr Baelish (aka Littlefinger), Maester Pycelle, Tyrion, Cersei and Tywin have some business to discuss but first, let’s rearrange some furniture to establish who has the biggest set of ... egos? Cersei drags her chair and sits next to her pop and Tyrion chooses the opposite head of the table. It’s kind of fun to watch, don’t you agree?
Tywin wants news on his son, Jaime, but does not get much satisfaction. Robb Stark’s position in Riverrun and Roose Bolton’s hold of the notoriously cursed, Harrenhal, was discussed.
However, the big news is that current "Master of Coin," Lord Baelish, is encouraged to be wed to Lysa Arryn (Catelyn’s sis) but when he is sent to attain her hand and therefore the Vale of Arryn, who will take care of financial business in the Kingdom? What with the impending costly royal wedding, finances need to be managed. Tywin then appoints Tyrion as the new Master of Coin.
Tyrion’s new job requires him to get a look at the ledgers and, of course, they’re kept in Littlefinger’s Brothel. Ros is retrieving them while Tyrion’s squire and life saver in the Battle of Blackwater Bay, Pod, admires her dangling bosoms. Littlefinger gives advice to Tyrion on his new position and encourages him to keep a low profile (haha, very funny) and that they’re just numbers on paper.
Bronn and Tyrion chat while Pod pulls a ledger. Pod did save Tyrion’s life and deserves a reward. How about not one, not two, but THREE willing and nimble whores to de-flower the young squire? Poor kid is really in for a treat ... or are the ladies in for one?
Tyrion reviews the financial ledgers and learns of the daunting debt that has amassed and cannot be repaid to the Iron Bank of Brothers who "always get their gold back" ...with interest. Well, he can add the gold he gave Pod to pay for the whores because, apparently, Pod was so damn good, they didn’t expect payment. This is unprecedented and Tyrion wants details. So do we!
Arya Moves On
A brief scene has Arya and Gendry getting ready to leave the Brotherhood Without Banners camp. Remember, they weren’t prisoners and were free to go even though The Hound called her out as Ned Stark’s daughter. The Hound is a prisoner, however, and is led off.
Hot Pie has been complimented on his bread baking skills and decides to stay behind and start his career. He points out that “my brother’s not a King” so he needs to strike while the iron is hot. He gives Arya a going away present of wolf-shaped bread and she and Gendry ride away.
North of the Wall Meets The Godfather
Mance, Ygritte, Jon Snow and the wildling army come upon a morbid construction of horse heads. “Always the artists.” Where are the men though? Jon Snow is worried about what has happened to his brothers (turned into White Walkers) but it is not impossible that they escaped this massacre.
Mance wants to “climb the wall” and he knows that Jon Snow knows Castle Black’s defenses so he wants to send him. If he doesn’t succeed in getting them the information they need, he’ll be thrown off the wall “to see if crows could fly.” Castle Black isn’t really a castle at all but the Night’s Watch main fortress. To get their attention, Mance will “light the biggest fire the North has ever seen.”
It turns out that many of Jon’s brothers survived, including Sam Tarly. They march back to Craster’s Keep to seek refuge. Craster remains overly protective of his daughter-lovers yet he says pigs have more worth. Oh yes, he considers himself a “godly man.” Whatevs, Craster. All throughout the little re-meet and greet, we hear female screams of pain. After Sam gets his fill of being made fun of due to his size, he heads out and finds the source of the screaming. Of course, it’s one of the daughters giving birth to ... is it a boy ... a girl? We know what happens to boy babies ... zombie food. Wait, is that Sam’s beloved Gilly? Yep. Sam runs off.
Theon’s Ride
Theon’s promise of release is granted by the boy his sister sent. Theon collapses and he is given water and rides away. Later, when he seems to be lost on the edge of the forest, he is narrowly missed by an arrow and is chased down by a group of men. He gives good chase but it doesn’t last. As if falling off his horse and getting the wind knocked out of his isn’t enough, he is beaten down and almost raped by his pursuers. He is once again saved when that mystery boy who skillfully takes out the men with arrows. “Come my Lord, you’re a long way from home and winter is coming.”
Stannis’s Fire Needs Stoking
Stannis is sad that Melisandre is shoving off for a journey. She assures him that when she returns, he’ll understand why see left. He knows he is being laughed at like his brother Renly did to him and wants Robb and Joffrey dead. Melisandre tells him “Your fires burn low, my King.” She says that he will sit on the Iron Throne but first, “there must be sacrifices” because the Lord of Light demands it. Oh what is this wild gal up to now?
Daenerys Goes Shopping
Even medieval girls know how to bargain to get what they want. Daenerys Targaryen wants all 8,000 of the trained Unsullied as well as the untrained ones for her army. Strolling down the Walk of Punishment and seeing their inhuman treatment has taken its toll on her. She is reminded by her advisors that these are not typical men though and they’ll kill only the ones she wants dead, sparing the innocents during the war.
However, when she tries to bargain with Krazny the slave-driver, he laughs at her and says she couldn’t possibly afford all the slaves. He also doesn’t want her to have the untrained because if they fail on the battlefield, it will be a disgrace to them
Her ship alone would only buy her 100 slaves. She offers up one of her three dragons much to the chagrin of her faithful Jorah, who questions her in front of the crowd ... not smart of him. Krazny wants her biggest dragon but then Daenerys wants his translator as a gift. She’ll prove to be a valuable asset as truth-teller and probably order-giver to the newly acquired slaves.
DJaime Unchained?
As Jaime and Brienne of Tarth are led by their new captors, the Brave Companions, to their camp, the tables are turned and Brienne berates Jaime for being such a crappy swordsman. He retaliates and reminds her that they’re going to repeatedly rape her but that she should just lay there and pretend it’s Renly, because if she fights, they’ll kill her. She questions that if he were a woman, wouldn’t he fight back? He says, “If I was a woman, I’d make them kill me.”
At the camp, they are tied up like animals to trees. Jaime’s promise comes true and Brienne is led off by the men to be raped. She tries to fight but based on her screams, they are winning. Jaime tells the head captor that she is the daughter of Selwyn Tarth and if she is safely returned with her “honor” intact, he’ll reward them with sapphires. She is spared. Aww, Jaime is a sweetie.
It also looks like he manages to get himself unchained and maybe partake in some partridge for dinner? Maybe? Nope. Daddy Tywin’s name isn’t going to get him out of this mess and he is beaten and threatened with a knife to his eye. You’re nothing without your daddy, Jaime! CHOP! Now that had to hurt.
Maybe he could get fitted with a cool knife attachment or chainsaw for his new stump? If only Merle Dixon was there to give him advice.
Next Sunday, “And Now His Watch Is Ended” will air at 9 p.m. ET on HBO.