'Game of Thrones' recap: 'The Bear and the Maiden Fair'

Some days you get the bear, some days ... Courtesy HBO

Lots of swooning, cringing, sexy time and giant beasts attacking fair maidens and men in guy-liner, best sums up this episode of Game of Thrones and we loved it harder than Robb loves his wife’s butt. Let’s grab our wooden swords and attack-attack...

Ygritte Doesn’t Love Orell?
As an eagle watches above, Jon Snow and the wildlings are marching south of the great Wall they braved in last week’s episode. They’re heading to Castle Black and it’s clearly a long journey on which they must occupy themselves. Jon and Ygritte continue their banter and are falling in love. She continues to make fun of his more civilized ways and keeps reminding him that he “knows nothing.”

After Giantsbane offers some tasteful tips on how to keep a wildling gal happy in the fur-lined sack, jealous warg Orell confronts Ygritte. He wants her for himself and thinks she should be with her own kind. She loves Jon Snow but he reminds her that “ You won’t love him so much when you find out what he is.” Oh?

We know how tough and cocky Ygritte is but Jon really puts her in her place when she thinks the wildlings will win their next invasion to get their land back. He reminds her that they’ve tried and failed six times already and simply don’t have the means to win. “If you attack the Wall, you’ll all die.” Ygritte turns this into foreplay and modifies Shae’s line, “You’re mine and I’m yours.” Jon Snow will be amongst the dead so hey, we might as well live before we die. Translation: “Let’s get down and dirty!”

Wet Wedding
Nothing spoils a wedding like bad weather. It’s time for Edmure Tully to wed Walder Frey’s daughter but ugh, this rain! Catlyn is worried that Frey will be upset but no one, especially Edmure’s dad, Blackfish, is too concerned. Robb just wants everyone to turn in for the night which is code for, I want to bang my hot wife.

In the glorious afterglow of their love making, we get to see Robb and Talisa’s royal butts. Apparently, after last week’s lack of nudity, it’s being made up for in this week’s episode? As Talisa writes a letter to her mom (who doesn’t even know her daughter is a queen yet), her beauty is distracting Robb from planning the war. Oh and by the way, “I have your little prince or princess inside me.” Preggers! Robb is shocked and thrilled and all ready to go again! I actually yelled out, “Watch her belly!” as he jumped on top of her. Congrats!

Stupid Sansa
How many times do I have to write “Poor Sansa” this season? One more time. She’s pretty naive and now her little girl dreams have been shattered because she has to marry a “dwarf.” Margaery tried to comfort her with the fact that her betrothed, Tyrion, has been around the block and ain’t so bad. To paraphrase: We medieval gals need to make the best of our circumstances and you may be literally getting the short end of the Lannister stick but, figuratively, you’re not, so buck up, Sansa!

Tyrion complains to Bronn about Sansa being a child and how his girlfriend, Shae, is not pleased. Bronn reminds Tyrion that Shae is a whore and that he can just “Wed one and bed the other.” Bronn is so chill. That’s why he’s the perfect man to hire to kill people who bother you. Isn’t it cute how Tyrion cares what other people think about him?

Well, Shae is not digging the gaudy gold necklace her man just gave her. Where is she going to even wear that thing? When she’s cleaning out Sansa’s chamber pot? She could wear it to her boyfriend’s wedding. Tyrion promises her a home and servants and that her future children will be taken care of. She points out that they’d be killed. Tyrion reassures her that “You’ll always be my lady.” She knows damn well what she is, “I’m your whore and when you’re tired of f**king me, I’ll be nothing.” True story.

Carry Me Grandpa?
King Joffrey looks so sad and lonely up there on his big boy throne. It’s overwhelming how commanding Lord Tywin is when he walks into a room. Even his regal grandson still seems intimidated. Joffrey wants (and SHOULD BE) included in the Small Council meetings that are being held in Tywin’s Hand of the King tower. It’s where Tywin works and it’s easier. Hey, he’s an old guy, right?

Joffrey laments that if he wants to attend the meetings, he’ll have to climb all those stairs. Tywin smugly offers to have him carried. Joff wants to know about Dany and her three dragons but Tywin dismisses this as, "Curiosities on the far side of the world are no threat to us.” Joff still thinks he should be consulted and well, he IS the king! Tywin will see to it as necessary.

Dany is on a mission not only to attain the throne but apparently to free ALL the slaves. As she looks out at the huge city of Yunkai and learns that they have 200,000 slaves, her desire to conquer the city grows.

Oh look! A parade! How fun. An ambassador from Yunkai, followed by men carrying chests, arrives at Dany’s tent to offer a deal. Dany looks beautiful and stately and the three dragons by her side, really add to the regal feel. The dragons were pretty damn awesome in this episode, agreed? Dany kicked ass in the negotiations too.

She’s a no-nonsense gal and even though the man with the expertly applied eye make-up offers her gold and ships to get the hell away from them, Dany wants more. She wants all their slaves freed and compensated for their servitude. Despite the threats to his and his people’s lives, the man will have nothing of this. He wants his gold back but the guard dragons prevent this. MY GOLD! Get out. She orders Jorah to find out who the “powerful friends” are that the man mentioned.

Who’s Your Daddy?
In a brief scene, Melisandre reveals to Gendry that he is the bastard son of King Robert Baratheon. Despite him thinking he was raised poor, he can still emerge very powerful...just like Melisandre did. This is why the Goldcloaks wanted him so badly, he has Baratheon blood running through his veins.

Don’t Talk to Traitors
Arya is still in her “mood.” Can you blame her? After hearing that Lannisters are coming and the Brotherhood will be going on a “Lion Hunt” Arya escapes into the woods. They chase her but to no avail. Then, another beast attacks ... The Hound grabs her.

On the Next Episode of Chopped...
At first I thought this was all just a hallucination, I mean, these chicks were super hot, right? The two women take Theon down from his wooden torture cross and want to see this famous penis of his. They revive him with some water and when (gasp!) he can’t get it up, they strip down and the one starts grinding on him. I could go on but you know the scene ... and the unfortunate outcome. I just want the number to their waxer. Thumbs up!

The evil Boy captor walks in and rudely interrupts what will be Theon’s last sexual encounter. Hey, at least it was a threesome with two hot women, right? Small consolation. It is painfully implied that Theon’s “most precious part” is about to be detached with a big ass knife. His pleading for mercy is unnerving and men viewers are still probably still crossing their legs at the thought of this action.

Is this scene even worth mentioning? It’s nice to see Hodor though. Oh hi, Bran and bitchy Osha. We know you hate magic and you’re pissed at Jojen for filling Bran’s head with it, and now we see why. Osha’s boyfriend was apparently turned into a White Walker and she’s pissed at the gods. Next...

Loyalty and a Big Bear
Brienne is imprisoned for abetting treason and she is not able to head back to King’s Landing with Jaime. He’s not happy and feels he owes her a debt. This will be paid in full by returning Sansa and Arya to their mother. Good luck with that, Jaime.

As Jaime is being treated by the disgraced “doctor,” Qyburn, he learns of his experiments on dying men and how he wanted to understand disease by treating it. Jaime also learned from Qyburn (who learned from a raven) that Brienne won’t be given back to her father in Tarth, and that she will serve as entertainment for Locke and his nasty men. With this unsettling news, he demands to return to Harrenhal. Jaime gets his way when he threatens the man he asks by saying he’ll tell Tywin that he’s the one who chopped off his hand versus saved his life.

When Jaime arrives back in Harrenhal, we hear singing. It’s that cool tune “The Bear and the Maiden Fair!” Uh oh. Brienne is fighting a giant grizzly bear with only a wooden sword and Jaime jumps in to save her. It’s another swoon-worthy moment even though I pictured him as Ron Burgundy.

Locke doesn’t like his fun interrupted especially when one of Roose Bolton’s men shoots at the bear so Jaime and Brienne could escape. Roose Bolton promised that Jaime would be returned to Tywin and nothing is standing in the way of these men getting him back to King’s Landing.

“The bitch stays.” demands Locke but Jaime is taking her with him. No ifs, and or BUTTS! Oh and hey Locke, sorry about you not getting those sapphires from Tarth! Peace out.

Only three episodes left. Can you believe it? Next Sunday will be the eighth episode, titled “Second Sons.” Watch it on HBO at 9 p.m. ET.