'The Strain' Recap: 'Loved Ones'

Courtesy FX

Last week ON "The Strain," the infection struck close to home while Eph made terrible relationship choices. Let's do this.

Incredibly bored, Zach starts playing around with the merchandise in Abe's pawn shop. Nothing seems to work but he finds a laptop with a very weak signal so what does he do? Play 'find my phone' to track down Kelly. Okay, y'all have a super-hacker in residence and it takes a kid to think of this? I weep for humanity. Miracle of miracles, he gets a location hit. Eph, the package is on the move. Grab your weapons and Go! Go! Go! But first, Eph needs to justify why he has to go after Kelly. Nora, please grow some balls. Any requests while I'm out? Yes, I'd like a cheeseburger, a new iPhone 6 and oh yeah, my mother please. While Eph plays Colombo, Abe, Dutch and Vasily plot strategy which is limited to infiltrating The Stoneheart Group to bring the internet back. Way to prioritize guys.

With the location of Kelly's phone in hand, Eph finds her phone....with a homeless lady. It's okay ma'am, he's not a cop. He's a "doctor." Oh, will you look at my leg? If you tell me where you found this phone. Deal. Really Eph? Bartering your skills for information? For shame. He finds Kelly's car unlocked and with a bloody rag in it. Let's be honest; things don't look good for the former Mrs. Goodweather.

Flashback to Kelly's house 32 hours ago when Zombie-Vamp Matt was still shufflin'. Kelly was asleep but strangely Matt didn't attack. He did however lock himself in the bathroom. Jeebus Matt, even in undeath you are such a girl. She wakes up and tries to engage him which is incredibly icky under normal circumstances. Giving up, she goes to work which is pointless as half the school is out. Oh, NOW you decide that listening to Eph is a good idea. Heading back home, she tries again and this time Matt is ready to talk, if by talk you mean launching your stinger-tongue at your live-in girlfriend. She dodges and fights back but a lone worm gets in her eye for Matt's final act of penetration. (I'm really sorry for that.) (No I'm not.)

Making it to her car, she cuts something out of her head and dissolves in tears. Alas, the worm remained and we all know what happens next. Her only thought is of Zach so she goes looking for him. First stop: school. Well, it's pretty late in the day and your friend Diane picked him up hours ago. You sure you're okay? Yes principal, she's fine. She's just very, very thirsty.

Operation restore the internet is a go. Stage 1: awkwardly weird flirting. Vasily decides they'll gain entrance by announcing a surprise health department inspection with more awkwardly weird flirting with the receptionist. And it works because confidence is key in selling it. Unfortunately, confidence does nothing around dying paranoid megalomaniacs. Dutch, Mr. Palmer will see you now. Well this is very bad.

Meanwhile, Eph goes back to the house looking for Kelly.

Flashback to 17 hours ago. Kelly shows up at Diane's house as Diane picked Zach up from school. Diane's kid comes downstairs and it's too much for Kelly who launches her stinger and bullseyed it. Diane tries to fight her and gets fed on for her troubles too. Guess she doesn't make you laugh anymore, huh Kelly? But it's not enough, she needs Zach.

Mr. Fitzwilliams wants to know why Dutch would come back here. Well, she'd kind of like a mulligan on the whole hacking thing because, you know, vampires. To Palmer she gets to ask the million dollar question: why would any rational person want to bring down the human race? See Dutch, it all really comes down to Palmer's butthurt that he's been sickly his entire life, that it's not fair so he's going to do the ultimate hack: cheat death. Uh, Palmer, that's really not how any of this actually works. But he gets to gloat to her because she's an insignificant nobody; why else would she have taken the job? I think we're done here.

Kelly is now wandering the streets, hearing heartbeats and seeing blood pumping wherever she turns. You still hungry girl? Damn. Her next meal is aborted though as she has heard The Master's call. Okay, x-ray vision, infrared vision, super stinger launcher and telepathy? No wonder Palmer wants to join up so badly.

Back at The Stoneheart Group, Fitzwilliams takes Dutch and Vasily to the tunnels...and lets them go. He won't help them but he won't stop them from leaving either so he isn't a total tool but is severely lacking in the spinal department.

Detective Eph now wanders around Diane's house because he is incredibly dumb and heads to the basement. Criminy Eph, and no back up? Or enough weapons to use on new vamps?  Curled up in the corner are Diane and her son. They're still pretty new at this being a strigoi thing as they attack Eph one at a time. He's overcome his reluctance though and takes them both down but not before seeing a necklace in Diane's hand. A necklace that belonged to Kelly. Oh dear Eph, looks like you're not only going to have to go to the bench for your lovin' but also have to tell your son that his mom is gone? Looks like you have to man up now. Well, today has been a complete cluster: no internet, no Kelly...can things get any worse? [SPOILER ALERT: YES]

Next week the new vampire strain goes on the offensive. Join us next Sunday at 10 p.m. ET on FX for "The Third Rail."