'The Strain' Recap: 'Quick and Painless'

Photo courtesy screenrant.com

Sorry guys, I was on vacation last week but we know that Fet got arrested, Eph is overconfident that the infection breakage works, Setrakian and Dutch attempt to recruit Fitzwilliam to their cause, Gus meets Angel and sadly flirts with the restaurant owners' daughter, the feelers are creepy as all get out and is Kelly nursing them?! Note to The Master: this is how you freak everyone out and Gus? I'm available for hugs and other comforting...things. Ahem. I'm out of practice but let's do this.

The infection of the virus works but the Master isn't a fan as he's making the infected-infected commit mass vamp suicide. Meanwhile, Operation: Take Back Our City has the police clearing buildings room by room, floor by floor. They're good but they're no match for the creepy as hell feelers and two of the police go down. They return to Mama Kelly and is she...singing...to them? Apparently mothering instincts transcend metamorphosis. Just don't let her near wire hangers.

Over at the bar we are so totally not surprised to see Eph. He's there though for a contact of Dutch's to make a fake ID. Is that the red, or the white? As if that isn't bizarre enough, Setrakian heads to a secret warehouse to buy the Occido Lumen from Alfonso Creem who doesn't have it but might know how to get it and wait. What? Oh for the love of pants.... Zack is still being a whiny brat and Eph finally calls him on it. THANK YOU. Eph has a mission in Washington, Nora and Dutch finally realize that Fet is missing and maybe we should do something about that so we're leaving Zack the wonder twit by himself? All right then. But for Eph's super secret disguise to work, he'll need to shave his head. And we all pour one out for his atrocious wig. Zack's apathy reaches new levels and we still fail to understand why Eph wants his son around. And I say that as a parent.

Dutch and Nora head to see Councilwoman Justine with an offer she can't refuse: release the city exterminator with a dynamite fetish and we'll show you an easy way to determine who's infected within two hours. Done. Dutch is not pleased that Fet has collected yet another set of groupies and less so to see the bruises marring his perfect, perfect face. The head of the Vamp SWAT squad tries to tell Fet about the Spider-Kids and Fet doesn't believe him. Dude, there are vampires running around and yet this is unbelievable? Oh ho ho! Well, guess who is going to be attached to this new team then? Eph and his new super secret identity bluff his way onto the mostly empty train to Washington, leaving hundreds of people on the platform. As if we needed more reasons to hate politicians - only the chosen ones can board this train as the government has no time for the riff raff. Plus: bar car! The downside is that Barnes is on the train and so begins a weird game of cat and mouse hide and seek. Your move, 'Jonathon Crowley.'

Nora's super secret test? UV light. Using it on Justine's nephew Mikey, she delivers the sad news that he's infected and she doesn't take it very well. So do we kill him now or later? Eh, less talk, more spider-kids. With the Vamp SWAT team, Dutch and Fet return to the building to clear out the remaining vamps. Fet just now realizes that head shots are more effective than body shots. How exactly have you remained alive so far again? Drawn by the sound of running water, they investigate but no one is there. Until Fet suspects the pipes in the walls and plays 'Shave and a Haircut' with the hidden vamps. Please to be explaining why Dutch is part of the room-clearing crew? I was not aware that being a hacker par excellence conferred military abilities but we'll go with it. Where are they all hiding? In the elevator shaft, of course. UV light bombs away!

Justine wants her nephew to turn before she kills him but Nora's like, uh, perhaps he'd like to die as himself. She can't push the button but Nora can. Well done on making the tough choice, Dr. Martinez. Setrakian walks the night, perhaps looking for more worm juice? At any rate, he's tracked by Fitzwilliam who comes to join the team. Game, set to Setrakian.

Eph drinks the cheap train beer as it obviously imbues one with grace, alertness, and stealth. Which he'll need because here comes Barnes so he bolts to the next car which isn't suspicious at all. You're going to run out of cars soon there Eph. Just saying. And he gets himself trapped in the bathroom so drunken lying is a 'go!' Somehow he gets out of that jam just to run into Barnes so of course they have a fistfight, ending in him tossing Barnes from the train and really?! But...but...the blood camps..... Adding to the list of things that Eph is not good at we have planning, sneaking, hiding, protecting, being stealthy....

Coco and Palmer head out to a nice dinner and he gets an ovation and a visit from the Cardinal that a certain item he's been wanting should be coming available soon *coughOccidoLumencough.* Coco is curious but not overly so as she's much more interested in the nightcap and possible horizontal shenanigans with Palmer and less so with the city in flames. May I just say one thing? EW! Raging infernos really add to the ambiance of May-Dead romances though.

Eph gets off the train in Washington so success? Now what, big guy? With all that's going on, a plane lands at a municipal airport in violation of the quarantine. Who could it be? Perhaps...Quinlan? Being driven by Creem? What the...? Oh, I give up.

Next week, Eph sneaks around Washington, the feelers are feeling, Quinlan may or may not be back and still no one is watching Zack. Join us Sunday, August 16 on FX at 10 p.m. ET for 'Identity.'