To choose the scan or the hand – that is the question facing the flying public. Media coverage and the “National Opt-Out Day” protest has placed focus on the new Transportation Security Administration policies that require select passengers either submit to a full-body Advanced Imaging Technology nudie pic scan or be willing to undergo a thorough “pat down.” As I pack my bags for a month of frequent fun travel – before I resume my regular life of frequent work travel – I plan on opting out of the scan and going for the pat down. Partially, I’m choosing this alternative because I crave human attention and I’m crossing my fingers I’ll get lucky with an oh-so-sexy epauletted agent, but I also try to avoid any additional radiation in my life – unless it’s delivered by super hero-power-granting gamma space rays or via the bite of an irradiated arachnid.
But whichever side of the scan-or-grope debate you find yourself on, it’s a good bet that if you fly, the most touching story you get over the holidays may come courtesy of the TSA.
And there’s no reason you shouldn’t have a soundtrack to accompany you throughout every step of the process. Because you can listen to your iPod up until you hit the security belt, I’ve compiled a “search-and-scan” playlist to walk you through the new policies and help you suffer The Slings and Arrows (TSA) of security.
Between increased holiday traffic, “Opt-Out” protesters and confused commuters, plan on spending a lot of time “Hangin’ Around” (Counting Crows
) at the airport because “You Ain’t Going Nowhere” (Bob Dylan).Texting and photography during security lines is permitted, so pass the time sending sarcastic “Come Fly With Me” (Frank Sinatra
) and “Wish You Were Here” (Pink Floyd
) messages to friends and family. Properly unload all toiletries and place “Baggage” (Mary J. Blige
) on the scanner belt. If you observe a religion which specifies you have headwear, do not assume “You Can Leave Your Hat On” (Joe Cocker
).