
To choose the scan or the hand – that is the question facing the flying public. Media coverage and the
“National Opt-Out Day” protest has placed focus on the new
Transportation Security Administration policies that require select passengers either submit to a full-body Advanced Imaging Technology nudie pic scan or be willing to undergo a thorough “pat down.”
As I pack my bags for a month of frequent fun travel – before I resume my regular life of frequent work travel – I plan on opting out of the scan and going for the pat down. Partially, I’m choosing this alternative because I crave human attention and I’m crossing my fingers I’ll get lucky with an oh-so-sexy epauletted agent, but I also try to avoid any additional radiation in my life – unless it’s delivered by super hero-power-granting gamma space rays or via the bite of an irradiated arachnid.
But whichever side of the scan-or-grope debate you find yourself on, it’s a good bet that if you fly, the most touching story you get over the holidays may come courtesy of the TSA.
And there’s no reason you shouldn’t have a soundtrack to accompany you throughout every step of the process. Because you can listen to your iPod up until you hit the security belt, I’ve compiled a “search-and-scan” playlist to walk you through the new policies and help you suffer The Slings and Arrows (TSA) of security.

Between increased holiday traffic, “Opt-Out” protesters and confused commuters, plan on spending a lot of time “Hangin’ Around” (
Counting Crows
) at the airport because “You Ain’t Going Nowhere” (
Bob Dylan).
Texting and photography during security lines is permitted, so pass the time sending sarcastic “Come Fly With Me” (
Frank Sinatra
) and “Wish You Were Here” (
Pink Floyd
) messages to friends and family.
Properly unload all toiletries and place “Baggage” (
Mary J. Blige
) on the scanner belt. If you observe a religion which specifies you have headwear, do not assume “You Can Leave Your Hat On” (
Joe Cocker
).
Walk through metal detectors without setting off “Hell’s Bells” (
AC/DC
), and avoid “Suspicious Minds” (
Elvis Presley
) by maintaining a “Poker Face” (
Lady Gaga
) – or friendly “Leave Me Alone” (
New Order
) expression – that doesn’t say, “I’m Your Man” (Leonard Cohen).
If you do set off the alarms, you will likely receive the “I Summon You” (
Spoon
) look from a TSA agent that is supposed to convey you are “Strangers When We Meet” (
David Bowie
) but that “You’ve Got A Friend In Me” (
Randy Newman
) - but which actually suggests, “I Like You So Much Better When You’re Naked” (
Ida Maria
).
Do not be surprised if the “Let’s Get It On” (
Marvin Gaye
) expression of “Satisfaction” (
The Rolling Stones
) makes you think, “Wish I Could Fly Like Superman” (
The Kinks
).
At this point, the “Smooth Operator” (
Sade
) will ask you to submit to “The Man With The X-Ray Eyes” (Bauhaus) or you may tell them to “Lay Your Hands On Me” (
Bon Jovi
) to determine “Where It’s At” (
Beck
).
If you opt for the AIT scanner, agents should refrain from “I’m Looking Through You” (
The Beatles
) comments as they see through your “Underwear” (
The Magnetic Fields
). Assuming the agent scanning you isn’t too “Lonely” (
Akon
), you won’t end up in their personal TSA “Centerfold” (
J. Geils Band
).
After the scan, if they tell you, “I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For” (
U2
), expect agents to get even “Closer” (
Nine Inch Nails
).
However, if you opt of the scanning process and choose to “Take It Off” (
The Donnas
), you can no longer ask them to “Keep Your Hands to Yourself” (
Georgia Satellites
). Instead, prepare to bring “SexyBack” (
Justin Timberlake
) when you ask your friendly federal agent to “Touch Me” (
Samantha Fox
). The government-sanctioned session of “Bump N’ Grind” (
R. Kelly
) may involve hands up your “Legs” (
ZZ Top
) and fingers probing “Such Great Heights” (
The Postal Service
), both “High and Dry” (
Radiohead
).
This is all being done in the interests of security; though you may feel a lack of “Respect” (
Aretha Franklin
), please remember that “The Safety Dance” (
Men Without Hats
) is only being done because the government “Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love” (
Barry White
).
Please avoid a natural desire to “Kick, Push” (
Lupe Fiasco
) any agent – even if they are touching you in areas that normally suggest, “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover” (
Sophie B. Hawkins
).
Of course, if you would rather boycott “Airplanes” (
B.o.B.
) due to new security measures and forgo the need for a TSA playlist, borrow a quote from
Cee-Lo
’s song, say – ahem – “Forget You” and opt for “Cars” (
Gary Numan
).