No, that’s not a typo, my parafriends. It’s Oh. My. Vampire. I couldn’t think of anything else to describe this post bursting with fangy goodness. 

But first, an apology: I’ve been missing in action, which I’m sure you’ve noticed (Please, say you’ve noticed). I was on vacation, then I started grad school, then I dealt with some serious time-management issues. I think I’ve sorted out the kinks, however. So she’s back! Onto some fun vamp tidbits that you’ll most likely never have use for in real life … kind of like math.

The Historian I don’t know where I was in 2005, but apparently not in the vampire section at Borders because I missed one hell of read. This is not your run-of-the-mill vamp romp. This is some serious lit that employs all kinds of conventions: post-mod history, epistolary story telling, Indian Jones-type adventure, supernatural elements and more. Boiled down, the young female narrator goes on an epic, globe-trotting search to find the answer to Dracula’s mysterious origins: Did he really live? Does he still? It’s a fantastic antidote to the new legion of vampires thatare googly-eyeing their way across the silver screen as of late(she says, clutching her purchased-a-month-ago tickets for New Moon).
I’m a fool for not having discovered it earlier—don’t you be one, too.

True Blood Treats **SPOILER ALERT** My Charlaine Harris experiment started out somewhat blah. I enjoyed Dead Until Dark; Living Dead in Dallas, not so much.

I chose to try one more,
Club Dead, and fell head over heels. If you haven’t read them, now is the perfect time — True Blood ain’t coming back until next summer. In Club Dead, we meet a were named Alcide who is the bees knees. The great news is ... director Alan Ball has confirmed Alcide will make his debut next season! Ever since I read the news, I’ve been casting him in my head. While reading, I envisioned Eric Bana, although that would be a tough get. EW.com has offered up a few suggestions — who do you think should play Alcide? The countdown until Team Alcide forms begins.

While you’re missing the heck out of
True Blood, try these on for size, you deep-pocketed fans. Are the baubles pretty? Of course. Are they ridiculously overpriced? Absolutely. 

True Blood
's official (code word for "HBO will make a killing off of this") jewelry collection, inspired by the show's "dark and sexy nature," is designed by Udi Behr, who has an interesting background: After experiencing real human compassion after 9/11, he started using his designs as a "foundation in which a vision of equality, diversity and tolerance could be expressed and felt by the entire word." Hmm. I get that Ball's not-so-undertones of intolerance run about as rampant through Bon Temps as maenads and vamps, but to take a real-life "peace.love.hope" approach to fiction cheapens Behr's motives for me.

But don't let my silly little opinion stop you: If you've got $400 to drop on an armband, be my guest. 

Finally, we leave you with this, TB freaks—
At Merlotte's: A True Blood Sitcom. Click the link to check out the video (At nearly seven minutes, it's a bit long for posting). It's True Blood set to a corny Roseanne-esque laugh track. And you know what? It kind of works.

The Vampire Diaries: A Primer Have you been watching? Three episodes in, and I admit, I'm hooked. If you haven't been watching, here's the most important deets you need to catch up:

Elena Gilbert is the smokin' hot, deeper-then-she-looks brunette recouping from tragedy who is smitten with Stefan Salvatore, the token new-boy-in-school with the mysterious-background ("Hi, my name is Stefan, and I am a vampire."). Stefan plays good vamp/bad vamp with his nefarious brother, Damon (fans of LOST will rejoice that Boone lives to see another network drama), who relies on a steady diet of busty cheerleaders, wayward campers and drunken freshmen. Bonnie is Elena's BFF who hails from a lineage of witches of the Salem persuasion.

Add to that a fringe cast of pretty, shiny people, and CW had a hit on it's hands. Besides being a vampire, Stefan guards other secrets, too, like the connection between Elena and her doppelganger, his ex-gf (a decade or two removed) Katherine; his ability to putz around town in the sunshine; most important, how he does "smoldering sexy" at 8 a.m. over Captain Crunch.

Catch the 
Vampire Diaries CW-side on Thursdays at 8. Warning—it's not for the kiddys.