'Rosemary's Baby' Recap: Part II

Courtesy NBC

I'm really not sure what I was expecting for the "Rosemary's Baby" finale but this certainly wasn't it: good guys die, bad guys win and the Borg assimilated the rest. Let's do this.

Picking up where we left off Sunday night, Rosemary and Guy compare battle scars. Maybe the orgy wasn't in her head after all. You know, I'm pretty sure the body fluid opening is the same one used in "Look Who's Talking" and that's not necessarily a good thing.

The Commish reviews the footage of Hoodie's gory demise and something or someone catches his eye. He's gonna be in hot pursuit now.

Having girl time with Julie, Rosemary confesses that she and Guy have been going through a dry spell since the night of the forgotten orgy. Catching a glimpse of Julie's gold cross, she doubles over in pain though it could also be due to the coffee. Know what's a great way to feel better? Touring the Paris catacomb where she passes out due to abdominal  pain. I'm just going to put this out there: Rosemary makes incredibly poor decisions. Turns out she's not allergic to crosses or lactose intolerant: she's just pregnant.

To the surprise of no one, she visits the doctor  recommended by Margo. The pregnancy isn't agreeing with her so he wants her to remain on the smoothie of sin diet as clearly the baby is more important than her health. Guy is gone more often than not and she's in a lot of pain, lonely, and scared. Julie is the only one who seems to see this and after telling Rosemary she looks awful, takes her out for a makeover. It's a stylish cut but then gets a massive nosebleed. The baby is Samson; how dare you cut your hair! Julie takes her to a OB/GYN she "knows" and really, is that how she introduces everyone? 'Hi, this is Dr. So and So and I slept with him.' She might want to rethink that strategy at some point.

Dr. Eyebrows reassures Rosemary that she's still pregnant. But he has some concerns and wants to do more scans. Guy is against it because what would Margo and Roman think? She's sick, she's scared, and she needs a second opinion. *I* think that Guy is an asshole. Carrying a basket of laundry up the stairs she's accosted by Steven who feels up her stomach. What is it with strangers feeling your belly when you're pregnant?! I actually had a stranger kiss mine once. Moving on. The Commish tries to tell her that Steven Mercato has been dead for 30 years so it couldn't have been him and I must say that she's doing an excellent job of selling that 'pregnant women be crazy' angle.

Guy is becoming moody and withdrawn, he's fighting his benefactor who lets him know that his success is due to Roman so the appropriate degree of fealty is due and that will be paid in assuming control over Rosemary's pregnancy. Wow Roman, you don't know anything about women, do you? Her husband joining forces against her, Rosemary is isolated and scared and Julie is the only one looking out for her. Guy goes to resign from university but more importantly to confront Julie about interfering too much in Rosemary's life. Exasperated, she tells him to pull his head our of his ass and listen to his wife, but before that, let's just drop the exposition that we slept together. O-kay? Titillating, but germane? Probably not. Under the pretense of rekindling their fling he steals her cross which means that something horrible will befall her. And with that, his journey to the dark side is complete.

Rosemary decides to see Dr. Eyebrows but first has to wait for Julie to finish with her cooking class. It's hot. It's crowded. It's noisy. And it's apparently lunchtime. So how's it going to happen? The filleting knife? Falling lights? Nope, it was the hot oil to the face, slip on the greasy floor, crack head on sharp projectile coming down trifecta of suck. Guess this means Rosemary's missing her appointment. What did we learn? Easy girls die first.

Three months later - They are at the most boring baby shower ever on a boat. Rosemary's very gracious about how she loves everyone and it takes a village and everyone's like whatevs. Roman can't wait to meet the little prince and Guy is about a cigarette away from donning all black and writing existential poetry. We've been very light on the Margo tonight so that's a positive.

After dismissing Rosemary's concerns, the Commish appears in the park to tell her that she might be onto something. Don't be silly, I'm just a hormonal girl! You shouldn't listen to me! Well, Nene was pregnant too so be careful yo.

When your idea of a romantic dinner is pastrami, you've officially given up. I guess it's his peace offering and it works because they have late third trimester sex and just no. You cannot be that pregnant and lie down on him. No. Just....no. Post coital cuddling apparently features bathtub soaking with a suddenly blue-eyed Roman caressing her belly. Two things: 1) Guy is really creeping me out and 2) things had better start picking up because this is getting boring.

Like any true writer, Guy holes up in a coffee house and like any true stalker, Margo follows him there. Words, words, words. Oh! And some tongue. She's really not picky. Alone in the apartment Rosemary tries to find Kitty No-Name (seriously, that's what his 'name' is) when she finds the secret passage to Narnia Borgin and Burkes Little Shop of Horrors. Oh, sorry, it's just the secret room of Dog the Handyman that is linked to her closet. NBD. Exploring she finds the motherlode of taxidermy, what appears to be a voodoo baby doll and a book about magic in which all of the evil plans are conveniently spelled out. They are witches obsessed with remaining young which requires a sacrifice, hence, a baby. Her baby. Oh and Steven and Roman are the same person so that explains a lot. Or it would if I could hear anything in this movie. Jason Isaacs is a fantastic bad guy but please, enough with the mumbling. Understandably freaked out, she calls the Commish with her news about sacrifices and witches but who's with the Commish? Roman. Shit's about to get real.

Rosemary does the first semi-intelligent thing since arriving in Paris and wants to get the hell out of Dodge. Guy plays along but when he doesn't get the passports like she asked, she goes looking. Ransacking the desk, she finds gold cross, immediately connects it with Julie and realizing that Guy's in bed with the witches, probably literally, sneaks out only to be thwarted by the cat.

Meanwhile the Commish is grilling Roman about the people who lived in the building; it is pretty exclusive, no? Neither gives quarter but Roman does give a cigar after offering to reward the Commish for his loyal service. Unimpressed, the Commish gets into his car to meet Rosemary in the park while Roman watches from above. He's getting a bit hot under the collar and his vision is going a bit H.R. Puffnstuff. Okay, if you're not seeing well and bleeding from every orifice, while a strange liquid is filling the car, why would you continue driving and, I don't know, get out? Well because when you do, you become a grease spot on the pavement courtesy of a truck. Thus endeth Rosemary's allies so she's either being targeted specifically or is the toxic one in the relationship.

With nowhere else to go, Rosemary goes to Julia's doctor and tells him what's going on - the murders and the witches, the sacrifices and the poisoning. Hormonal and scared first time mother is hormonal and scared so he calms her down and brings in Guy and short round to lock her up. Hysterical at this final betrayal, she runs back to the apartment (good idea, they'll never find you there) with the intent of jumping when she's surrounded and begins bleeding. In the morning she awakens to find herself in a hospital bed and the baby nowhere to be found. Guy tells her that the baby didn't make it and since she was in a coma for three days, he had it cremated. Understandably she takes this incredibly hard and I really want to kick Guy's teeth in.

Pulling herself together she dumps the ashes in the Seine while informing Guy that she will be returning to New York as she can't be with him anymore. Packing up her clothes, she hears a baby crying and the let down reflex kicks in. Tearing through the secret passage, past the bizarro room of Man-Dog, she tracks the sound into Margo and Roman's apartment. Grabbing a knife, she screams at the coven that they won't take her baby, she will kill them all first. Don't be silly dear, we WANT you to know your baby. Wait, what? She sees her son for the first time and then notices the eyes. Bright blue, like Steven/Roman. Well, he does have his father's eyes and now we know why Guy has been so pissy seeing as the kid isn't even his and all. Now the decision is hers: if she kills the baby, the sacrifice is complete but if she doesn't, the antichrist will walk. Her mothering instincts take over and she's subsumed into the hive mind.

My thoughts:
1) They just let her keep her baby after going to such lengths to deceive her? Huh?
2) The ending was worthy of a Syfy film: abrupt and completely pointless.
3) I realize it was network TV but there was no real payoff, sinister happenings were hinted at but in the words of "Clue," the witchcraft was just a red herring.
4) Again, the ambiance was supposed to be dark and moody, I get that, but not being able to see anything did the opposite of pull me into the story, it annoyed me and disengaged my attention.
5) Ditto for the sound; I cop to not hearing particularly well but even with the volume cranked (a dicey proposition at night), there was so much that was missed due to overusing low talking to convey malice and subterfuge.
6) What was up with Man-Dog? What purpose did he have in the story? The creeper in our walls?

Conclusion: This was just not the right fit for network television. The horror and dread were never really adequately played up, none of the characters were sympathetic and having the whole 'Satan' thing sprung at the eleventh hour was really lazy story telling.

The moral? Satan wins because ...hormones.